Freshly Unique

When I get Rich....

2009-07-20T16:05:00.002-04:00

I want to have a beautiful high rise apartment in a killer city with elegant furniture. I have come across WestElm. They are a store that offers crisp clean accessories so gorgeous that it makes my heart ache.

Unless I win the lottery or marry a weathly man I will never experience beauty of owning these things. As for now I will window shop and keep dreaming.

Oh Heck Yes!

2009-06-12T10:37:00.002-04:00

I JUST BOUGHT MY KINGS OF LEON TICKET. THEY ARE COMING TO RUPP ARENA OCTOBER 10TH. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PUMPED FOR ANYTHING...EVER. HOWEVER ITS FOREVER AWAY AND I JUST WISH I COULD SEE THEM TONIGHT. I HAVE GENERAL ADMISSIONS FLOOR TICKETS. I WILL DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO BE FRONT AND CENTER. A CHANCE TO HAVE MY FINGERS RUNNING THROUGH THEIR HAIR IS A GOD SENT GIFT. IF I HAVE TO HAVE MY BODY CARRIED TO THE FROM BY A MASS OF PEOPLE I WILL!!!!!!!!

This Too Shall Pass...

2009-05-18T14:13:00.001-04:00

Those words linger in my head always. Days come and go, some harder that others. Today has been a hard day. As I am emotionally and physically weak today very fiber in my body rather be at home, in my bed.
“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”
- Maya Angelou

Please pray for my family for we have lost a member. My uncle Larry passed away this morning. Also pray for our dear family friends The Brogle’s and Wayne’s Lloyd is having some heath complications.

“Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light.”

Guess What!?!?!?

2009-05-04T15:37:00.002-04:00

Im selling Avon and Mark!!!!
Checkout my new online store!
www.youravon.com/virginiaadams
Where you can order whatever you want pay online and have products shipped directly to your house!

Has seen better days

2009-05-04T08:52:00.001-04:00

I hate when I have really bad Mondays, it’s foreshadowing the coming up week. I've had a rough couple of days; look at me wrong and tears will begin to well up in my eyes. I'm at this point where I am unhappy…everyday.

I have so many thoughts running through my head I can’t keep them straight.

My dad is a low life and if it wasn’t for my nieces I would disown him like he disowned my sister and I when we were babies.

I hate my job…I just really want to do what makes me happy.

I wish I had money for school…

I wish I didn’t feel so freakin alone

I wish for change….of any kind. I've been in this same pattern for so long I can hardly stand it.

I don’t understand why I let my dad get to me. He’s the same asshole he’s always been but yet I keep thinking maybe he will change.

Its days like these where I really miss my Pap. I try to remember him, recall some of the memories he shared but all I keep thinking about is him laying in that casket with my hands on his hard cold chest and felling my knees give out as I hit the floor, screaming for some kind of relief from all the pain. I wish that wasn’t what I thought about each time I think about my Pap. I love him more that anything in this world and I knew he loved me like I was really his granddaughter or daughter for that matter.

I don’t know anymore… I understand we learn from all the things we go through in life but is all this heart wrenching pain necessary? I just wish God would give me some kind of answer. I'm beginning to loose faith…on everything. I feel like I am just space taking up a fraction of this dying earth. I want to make a difference. I want to make my life worth while but it seems the only way to accomplish any of that you must have money…I don’t have money.

I know that Makayla will pass very soon. I also know that when this happens I loose it completely. I'm not sure if I can prepare myself for loosing her. Is there anyway you can prepare yourself for the death of a loved one, let alone a child? I pray god gives me strength…more than usual.

I feel like I'm half here, the rest of my body in pieces while the reaming half beings to chip away. It’s hard to feel yourself crumble with no idea how to stop it from happening, to keep whole. Pray, pray everyday for my low life dad, more my beautiful fighting niece, and for myself, who keeps trying to find the light.

How cute is this!

2009-04-30T13:33:00.001-04:00

Rainy Thursday

2009-04-30T08:36:00.002-04:00

I feel pretty crappy today. I believe I have the start of a cold, hopefully. I wouldnt be very pleased if I were Kentucky's first care of the Swine...hopefully not. egh. I am pretty bummed that it is supposed to rain all weekend long. I am off Sunday and would love to go to Sugar Creek. I love summer! Im am not quite sure how I will balance the summer life with all the work that I do. Hopefully I'll be able to pull through it because summer is too sweet to let it pass you by. I wish I were able to see out of a window at the office. I am enclosed by walls which never allows be to see the current situation outside. If I am going to sit behind a desk all day I much rather it be by a window.

On a side note I can NOT believe that Adam was in the bottom 2 last night!!! What is wrong with America?!?!?! He's talented, more than any other contestant on that show.

I went to sleep while watching AI last night. Woke up to turn my tv off just as they anounced who was going home. So I went to bed a little earlier than usual. Now i am beating myself up to stay awak. I wish that my job wasn't so boring. I wish I could go to school...to do what I love. Hoping that somehow, God willing, I will move on soon. I just have to find that money to do so.

Love

2009-04-28T16:08:00.006-04:00

This here is my life! The ones that I love the most. My most favorite thing in this world is getting lovin from by 3 best girls. Mollie, Makayla, & Madison. We had a full fledged photoshoot the other night, here are just 3 of the pictures. Please visit my facebook to see all the pictures.

Smile because you can. I have learned that even with tears in your eyes you must smile, it makes the toughest of times much easier. There is just something about a child that makes your faith a little stronger and let you believe in all impossible. This is love to me. Rather its a night playing a game with my nieces, are getting dressed up to have dinner with all the girls, a sunny day at Kenneland, the first drop of spring rain, a homemade birthday cake, fishing at the creek...its not the money or my new car or clothes or shoes but its these simple things that I love, that makes my life complete!

Thoughtful Tuesday

2009-04-28T08:34:00.003-04:00

I have had so much on my mind lately. I keep thinking about all the choices I have made, trying to find the sense in it all. Thinking of the moments I dont want to be reminded of. Feelings I have locked in a box for so long.

Last night for the first time I felt the fear of loosing Makayla. I was watching last weeks episode of Grey's anatomy that i had on dvr. This child not much younger than Makayla suffering through her last moments. It a heart string, I completely realized that this will, one day soon be Kayla. Im not sure if I'll ever understand. I just want to know how God chooses between two helpless children; which one deserves a miracle? Which one comes home? I just wish I knew his intentions and why do these poor innocent children suffer. Why can't this battle happen to me; Someone who see's more sad unsatisfying days than happy ones but not to a child who has life, who has absolute carefree happiness. Thats the way it needs it be, the way its supposed to. I just wish I knew....just wish I knew...

Even though hard times are on my home front some have it even harder. http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

This blog is about a baby who has never seen nor felt natural beaming warm light. I have realized that Kayla, even if there is the possibility that her life will be cut short, has had a chance to learn, to love, to run around in the yard, to feel the sun against her cheek as this tiny gift lays helplessly. The Freeman family is suffering more than anyone I know. I have donated today an amount of money to help them hold on to some type of faith, to feel a small amount of warmth in a cold reality. It wasnt much but its a start. One day I believe that we will find a cure for all these diseases that affect God's children. For they are this worlds only hope to survive.

Take a moment today to be thankful for what you have. Also take a moment to pray for all these children who suffer, who are scared, who fight. Also remember the families, that are more scared than the child that stands before them.

I pray each day that God grants Makayla a miracle. A chance to experience what life can really give us. That one day she will win her battle with cancer, that the war will stop but she wont surrender. I pray for every young life that suffers.

There just has to be way....to make this stop...

April 23rd

2009-04-23T10:47:00.001-04:00

Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. ~Jean Paul Richter

2009-04-22T09:19:00.001-04:00

I am thinking about selling avon and mark. I love mark! If you begin to sell mark its 40% off for you. Hopefully I can get a little more extra money on the side. I just keep adding more and more on to my work load. but this will be simple and fun. avon/mark is cheap and good all at the same time. I am creating this blog post from my cellular device to see how it works!

Another Year

2009-04-22T07:57:00.002-04:00

Its hard to believe that my birthday is tomorrow. I look back on the previous year and see all the changes my life has made. If I could go back I would do it in a heart beat. I want to feel alive again. Now I just sit at this desk everyday wondering when God will give me a break. As everyone knows I miss high school, I miss the carefree of it all. I felt like when I were to graduate in less than two months I would find my purpose. Now I feel I am living a life for which I have stuck myself in. Something I cant walk away from for I will not survive but a place that brings as much happiness to me as headache. How do you find the resources to do what you love when there are none. I have no other option, I must work. Even now I make more money than anyone else my age but I still dont have enough to do anything I remotely want to do in life. I strive for change and I have been stuck in this pattern for longer than 6 months. Im dying inside, dying a unhappy person. We are all dying each day is one day closer to our death. It scares me because I have no idea when my last day is and I am afraid that i wont get to experience the things I want to do, to make a difference in this world.

To me a birthday is just another year. Now its not a celebration but a reminder that is another wasted year. Another 365 days that I spent most of them uphappy, because I'm here, and sitting in behind this desk is NOT where I want to be. I hope some major changes happen to me in the 19th year on the world, good changes.

On the bright side of sitting at a front desk for 10 hours a day its Administrative Professionals Day which means we get FREE lunch at Malones and pretty flowers!

The Way I See It # 21

2009-04-14T16:15:00.002-04:00

People need to see that, far away from being an obstacle, the world's diversity of languages, religion and traditions is great treasure, affording up precious opportunities to recognize ourselves in others.

--Youssou N'Dour

Musician

Winter is BACK

2009-04-07T09:43:00.002-04:00

Its currently snowing like crazy outside....total CRAP. Hopefully tomorrow is the start of our final warm up from winter temps, if we are lucky.

I am going to Florida with my dads side of the family the first part of May. Its Makayla's wish to go to the beach and find seashells. Im super excited that i get to spend good quality time with her and my other two nieces. It will be a nice vaca as well. Anytime I get to escape from reality is much needed and appreciated. I hope Makayla has a fantastic time when we go. I also hope her health is good and does hinder her vacation.

I wish I had the money to get a really nice camera. I want to take beautiful pictures throughout this short time we have. I want there to be so many captured memories as if she had lived to be 100 years old. I also want to have good pictures to remind me everyday why we are here on this earth, that there is higher reason, and how we have only this one chance to make our lives worth the space each of us take up. I want to look at them and be reminded of what true happiness is, what true pain is, what true sadness is, and what true faith is. I want others to be able to see those images many years from now and be inspired. To give motivation to find a cure, to never give up hope that one day cancer will be cured as if it was just a common cold. That's my prayer, my hope.

On the brighter side of things.

2009-04-02T16:23:00.006-04:00

As most know my birthday is coming very soon! As I do every year, I'm having a Keeneland outing. I can’t tell you how much I love my birthday! It becomes a sudden fact that summer is so close you can taste it. Keeneland’s spring meet always falls on my birthday. There is just something about those warmer days, in a cotton dress, amongst all varieties of people in the stands, the smell of beer, the pounding of you heart when the Thoroughbreds race out of the gate, the sick excited feeling when your bet becomes reality as each tired horse runs across the finish line that makes me so happy. I really can’t wait! I have already ordered my birthday Keeneland dress…it stole my heart at first sight! I ordered it off the internet, fingers crossed that its fits and looks decent.

Short Thought

2009-04-02T16:23:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I find myself in a daze where I forget to breath, suddenly thinking to “okay how long since I've inhaled?”

My step sister wrote on Makayla’s journal that “We are only borrowed” and how true that is. We all belong to God and he lends us to the earth; here is where we become heaven worthy. Makayla is worthy; I on the other hand have days where I struggle.

I have so many emotions and don’t know how to sort through them all.

......

2009-04-01T13:52:00.001-04:00

The doctors stopped Makayla chemo today...

This is it.

Change the world

2009-03-30T11:14:00.002-04:00

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. "

~ Jack Kerouac

I started filling out my Peace Corp application today!

Pray for Kayla today, they have moved her MRI up.

Start of the weekend.

2009-03-28T13:36:00.002-04:00

Friday after noon I went to watch the East Jessamine High School talent show. I am just a sucker for raw talent. This one young man wrote and sung with this awesome R&B song. You can tell he really thought about his word choice, he put his heart into those verses. When I see any young individual create something that listen worthy it gives me chill bumps. Its one thing if you can produce music but can you make it? Raw talent is inside of you its not anything you can learn. Listening and seeing this young folks excite me. One young lady signed a gospel song, brought tears to my eyes. Music its beautiful even if you cant hear it. The sight of the passion she had with each sign she made was heart whelming. She received first place along with another couple who preformed their own version of a Mary J Blige song. The young lady created her own piano arrangement and played to to perfection. The amazing raw talent I seen absolutely made my day.

Okay has many Kentucky fans know Mr. Billy G received his pink slip, got the dismissal. I was eating at Malones last night. My friend Sarah is an employee there; she receives 40% off for her whole party, we also receive free dessert...its a expensive meal for half the price! Anyway she mentioned how Billy G is always there at the bar. I expresses how I doubt he'll be joining us Kentuckians tonight. Id be damned if he didn't have the balls to walk through that door!!!! He meet an older man for dinner. I wanted to take a picture to post to see if anybody maybe knew who he was, however the mood lighting was too dark.

Well I have tendinitis in my foot. It hurts really bad!!! I hate that Im missing work considering how much I love working at the dress shop. I decided to stay off my foot like the doctor prescribed at my dads house. I figured I would be able to see my nieces! Makayla is not doing good today. She had a really bad seizure yesterday which is causing her to have seizure activity today. Please pray for her. Some days are harder than others but we shall keep fighting.

Support the fight against cancer

2009-03-27T09:46:00.004-04:00

One of my greatest fears was always ether getting cancer or someone close to me getting it. Its a devastating idea and reality is even more gruesome. My 9 year old niece has been battling cancer for a little over a year now. Its heartbreaks to lay eyes on a tired sick child, however Makayla has never lost the light in her eyes. Shes an absolute firecracker and smart as a tack. She knows as well as all of us that she might not make it but the 5% chance she holds on to, keeps fighting a little harder everyday.

Heres a little information on what kind of cancer she has:

Cancer: Glioblastoma

Affects: The brain

Definition:A fast-growing type of central nervous system tumor that forms from glial (supportive) tissue of the brain and spinal cord and has cells that look very different from normal cells. Glioblastoma usually occurs in adults and affects the brain more often than the spinal cord. Also called GBM, glioblastoma multiforme, and grade IV astrocytoma.

Only about one out of every four patients with this type of tumor survives two years

Makayla like I said is only 9 and her cancer has moved to her spinal cord. Slowly but surely this monster is eating her alive. Cancer can happen to anyone, no matter what age, male or female, or what you did growing up. Until we find a cure this simple disease will complicate so many lives, bringing death and pain.

Maykala is a patient at St. Jude Childerns Hospital in Memphis. There she can get the treatment and attention she needs without paying a dime. They are fantastic people. The organization, I feel was our only source of hope, to help her get better. St. Jude is that single ray of light you see in the darkest places. So if your feeling you giving and want to donate pick St. Jude. If people keeps donating then the more lives they can save and the futher they can come to finding a cure for Makayla and all others.

Makayla has a webpage. Be sure to visit her and sign her guest book!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/makaylacorrell

Bust a Cap

2009-03-27T08:43:00.002-04:00

As everyone knows there has been talk about banning Americans to bare arms....or in other words keeping all them G's from carrying their ninas. In all and all this is a serious matter. Just think how much safer our country would be without them but honestly it shows that however far America has come we are still fucking stupid. How many more idiots out there use guns in violent childish antics...too many. Whatever happened to poor Billy Bob keeping his gun hung neatly on his gun rack in the back of his old beat up ford truck, hoping to shoot some meat for dinner before returning home after school? Banning guns in my opinion is smart, it would be an effective way to change however, its sicking to think that the human race has become so ugly and monster like. Im still waiting for somebody to take me to the damn range and shoot a bad ass gun. I just say keeps guns in ranges woods but off the streets. One of my friends is a hunter so I decided to bring up the issue. More and more each day after seeing how people here in the states act, a little piece of the American in me is gone. Eventually one day I shall move to an exotic far away place, where the sea creatures shall be my innocent friends.

FREEEE

2009-03-26T12:02:00.003-04:00

I LOVE free things, like most people due. I know this brilliant lady who is a couponer. It is a hobby you must be completely devoted to...I envy her. After reading her blogs about all her savings I couldn't believe it! I have no skill in couponing but I did receive a free Starbucks coupon.

On a trip to Starbucks I has randomly selected for a survey, which is always printed out on the receipt. I usually never go online and fill out customer surveys but since I had downtime a work I decided too. It tool nearly 5 minutes and I received a free drink after finishing. So the next time you see the survey on the receipt take the time to fill it out online. You never know what you might end up receiving for you time and business. With it being such a nasty day outside my FREE Starbucks will be an awesome treat. Hopefully there isn't some kind of limit on what your allowed to order...we'll see.

2009-03-26T11:48:00.003-04:00

Above is this awesome dress I found On Etsy.com The uniqueness of the image and its placing is fabulous. I will be purchasing this little sun dress for sure. The seller has many more printed articles. Its definitely something to check out!
Here is the sellers URL: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5355674

New and Fresh

2009-03-26T10:47:00.001-04:00

I want to totally renavate my blog. I want it to be fresh a new and informative. So bare with me as I begin to redo it all!

Rainy Day

2009-03-25T09:05:00.001-04:00

I always say I need to write but I never do. I am so ready for summer. The thought of summer being so close keeps me going. The thought of putting my feet into Sugar Creek excites me like no other. Or for once being able to sit outside of Main & Maple and watch all of Nicholasville drive by. The calmest I ever feel is laying on the cool ground with the sun kissing my skin as is the good Lord put a blanket overtop of me, feeling in that moment safe and warm. I love that feeling, spring and summer is happiness.

I wish I had an exciting life, where I could tell all the great things that happened in a day’s time but as my days on earth increase they seem more and more uneventful and useless. I need some kind of change. The most recent time I felt alive is when I had a tattoo gun penetrate against my skin. To feel a certain kind of controlled exhilarating pain brings me comfort, to know that I am still human, I still exist, I am still alive. It allows me to breathe heavier, noticeable to the eye, allows my heart to beat hard in the canal of my chest, to pulsate my body allowing the blood rush and pump. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s hard to explain exactly how I feel, how this certain emotion comes over me when lying in a tattoo chair. How I can feel controlled, feel adrenaline, feel pain, feel joy, feel terror… its just an incredible time frame. When I’m done I look at something beautiful, something that means a great deal to me. It also documents those moments when I was lying there; allows me to remember “I am alive”.

Well I'm ready for another one. My new one is beautiful and I can’t wait to add on to it. As soon as the artist was finished I already felt that I owned this orchid…that is was a part of me. I realize that a rib cage tattoo is painful but I am so down and ready for it, however my bank account isn’t. I am not one to get a tattoo just for the hell of it. Its an experience to me, its heartfelt, its endurance and passion… its beautiful.

All though I do realize I might be really crazy. J but that’s okay because I'm just me!

Spring!

2009-03-09T09:46:00.003-04:00

First of all I changed my layout to something more fresh. The warmer weather has got me into a rather awesome mood. I hate the cold; something about it always puts me in a bad mood. Happiness just comes along with spring and summer.

Second of all I am so upset that I dont get to do anything or go anywhere for "spring break" even though I technically dont get a spring break, however I could really use a spring break. All the other kiddos are relaxing and having a great time while I am still stuck in the real world.

Third of all I have had some major problems with my closest friends in the past few days. I wont explain every detail but i would like to talk about my feelings. Its hard when someone talks you down to your face when you know you are doing the best you can. Its also really heard when these people are one minded and feel they are always right. What my 2 best friends said to me stabbed my heart. It was the kind of hurt where you feel your stomach turn and your eyes water. I do the best I can with what I've got and if I cant do something than I just cant. Its not about walking out on them or not wanting to but as bas as I wish it wasnt true I can not afford it physically and mentally. As easy as that is said I still get the beat down, bitching me out as if i had did something majorly wrong. My life in none of anyones business and I am tired of people butting in telling me how to live my life when they can barely live thier own. She is my friend, one of my best friends but I really at this point have no desire to speak or see her for a while. I still hurt and she keeps saying hurtful things when none of it is her place to open her mouth. I realize I keep rambling but Im so done with the bull shit and I work to damn hard to have a college student tell me how to live my life when they have everything spoon feed to them. Im living in the real world and at the end of the day all I have is my self.

Fourth, I was sucked back into old habit a little bit over the weekend. It was just like how it used to be but this time my heart was missing and I was reminded why I had to quit. Not in till the next day when I got word of a accident was I scared. As tears welled in my eyes I realized "damn I still care". Deep down I know that I'll be happier without such habit but its hard when the habit strums your heart.

Fifth, speaking of habit...Im going to try to quit smoking today. I left my 2 cigs in the car which is about a block away from the office. I have a feeling that by lunch I'll be walking over there! But this is my first attempt to quit. I know like all other habits I would feel so much better if I cut it!

Thoughts

2009-02-23T12:55:00.002-05:00

I don’t know why I never write on here anymore.

I wish I was still in high school. I miss it more than anyone else I know.

I also hate this cold weather. I wish it was spring and I really wish it was summer. Everyone keeps talking about summer plans and I get excited right along with them but in an instant I remember I no longer get a summer break. I'm bummed out by the fact that my days at the lake or creek, Indian falls, prajna, dive in, late nights out on the deck, wine at Keeneland… all will be limited. I sort of wish that I still worked at the tanning bed. It was such an important part of our summer plans and rituals, it will be odd not to have it this year.

I wish my niece would win her battle with cancer. It just breaks my heart to know that everyday she is struggling even though she somehow finds the strength to keep fighting this war. Keep praying.

When I was in the hospital to see Natalie and her precious new baby boy Boston, the visit struck this feeling in me; how odd it is that all under the same roof people are dying while people are being born. How at the same time and place the two most important things, life and death are taking place. To think about it sends shivers up and down your spine. With that sad God bless that new child and his parents. I am so happy that Natalie made it through.

I have been going to the gym. My biggest goal is to get off my lazy ass up and do something. I want to be fit and tone, however that is just a want. Hopefully Ill stick to it and be a badass body builder. HAHA! In All honesty I would love to be ripped and toned.

I hate my day job. I am bored and annoyed all day long. I want to have a job that I love, that I learn from everyday, that makes me happy, and that I can meet and interact with all kinds of people. If you’re going to spend most of you limited days on this earth working you may as well do something you love.

I hate feeling alone all the time. I wish I were closer to all my friends like how I used to be. When you know they would be there no matter what ever night. I have nothing really to come home to. I'm always trying to find something to do that will fill up my time. It helps me not to remember how much I hate the living situation I'm currently in and how much I wish the old me and life would come back to stay. I would love to drink from that youth fountain in the novel Tuck Everlasting, to be young forever. The fact that we all must age, that I must grow older frightens me.

Awake

2009-02-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

As I lay with the dense cool ground beneath me the sweet slumber takes over my soul. For my mind is in a deep imaginary state, experiencing what I desire to be existent. The warmth from the spring sun covers all depths of my body, protecting me. I can feel the presence of a force I've been longing for. Its indulging breath caresses my face, the smell of sweetness follows. My body is beached while my spirit beings to soar. The sensation is uncontrollable, I am not alone. A gentle hand touches mine, holding my delicate palm with much certainty. Turning my head slightly towards the mysterious force, I leisurely open my eyes. I see a figure, exquisite and strong though a stranger to eye. My heart is captivated in an instant. “This is my love” I reassure myself. I feel the cores of our bodies simultaneously beat… we are one…and I am not alone. My heart flies with wings similar to a butterfly, fluttering behind my chest bone. He draws me closer, molding my body against his. I lay my weary head in the curve of his neck. Relief comes over me; I for once know this truth does exist, that I am somehow valuable to feel this power. I am not alone. Comfortable I lay soundly in a precious heaven. In this time I feel significant to someone, to the earth and to this life. I am a beautiful wonder commendable to breathe and to love. The lips of passion then lay tenderly on my forehead but immediately a rush of pulsating horror soon clouds the sky. Panic tears though my skin, my heart that once fluttered now pounds crushing the bones that shelter it. The enchanting figure suddenly beings to fade, our cores began to beat diverse patterns. I spin my head back to the sun, eager to find some source of comfort, closing my eyes to infuse the warmth but it is bitter, frozen and sour against my face. The ground is malleable and hot, I am just now a lifeless mass. Awoken I weep, for awake I am alone.

A year ago...

2009-01-15T14:57:00.001-05:00

Today marks one year since my Pap has died, I still can’t believe he’s gone. I look back on that day and I get chills, my world in a matter of minutes came crashing down. I love that man more than anybody else in this entire earth. Even though I looked at him like my grandfather, he wasn’t. All he really was was my uncle by marriage. However that didn’t matter he loved me like I was his own, is the only man that has ever loved me the right way. He wasn’t just my uncle or better yet my Pap, he was my dad. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or what to crawl up in his lap like I did every time I saw him. It tears me up inside to know that he wont be there to make it all better. Not just I but the whole family relied on him so much and he did everything with out a single bitter bone in his body.

I miss him more that the sweet warm smell of summer during this brutal and bitter winter. I miss the way he snored so loud it shook the house, I miss the big black blob on his right arm that used to be a tattoo, I miss the way his skin was soft and stretchy, I miss how he called me shorty even though I have always been freakishly tall, I miss how I could call on him when I needed something and how I would never have to worry, I miss sitting in his chair with him, I miss him having the T.V. so loud it made your head hurt, I miss all his gambling stories, poker, racetrack and all, I miss how he always took forever in a day to eat and to open his Christmas presents, I miss how he hated real coffee but always drank instant, I miss him getting mad at us when we were kids, pulling the branch from the tree but never once hit us with it, I miss how he called Nanna never by anything else other than old lady, I miss how he would always have peanut butter crackers in his truck, I miss how he would spend hours figuring up horse racing statistics, I miss how he could fix anything, I miss how he would drive us around telling the same stories over and over, I miss how I felt safe when he was there, I miss how he was the only one who could handle Michael, I miss how he never would let his picture be taking, I miss how he hated Bush, I miss how he would do anything for anybody, I miss how he could go into Wal-Mart for milk and be in there for an hour, I miss how he knew so many people, I miss how he would talk to some one and have no idea who they were, I miss how he took care of my Nanna, I miss how he loved her, I miss how he would show us a card trick but if he messed up he kept doing it over and over till he got it right, I miss how he smiles, how it made his eyes squint, I miss that scared feeling I got when I rode with him in the car, I miss how he loved me, how he loved all of his, I miss how he acted like he hated animals but he secretly loved them, I miss how strong he was physically and emotionally, I miss how he taught me things, I miss how he loved boxing, I miss how he was always cold, I miss how he had his electric blanket on in the middle of summer, I miss how he had to sleep with at least 4 pillows, I miss his dark skin, I miss his blue eyes, I miss his white hair, I miss the blackheads by his left eye that I could never get rid of, I miss all of him and all the things he did.

My heart will never be the same without him. I can barely hold it all together as it is. I always said the day I loose my Pap is the day I’ll loose it completely and I did loose it that day. Within a year I have regained most of me back but there is still a piece of me gone, hopefully with him. I have always been afraid of death but now not so much, because I know that will be the day that I’ll get to see, in flesh the most important person in my life.

Make sure you always say I love you to the ones who mean the most to you. Make sure that if something was to happen you’ll let them leave without feeling guilty or regretful. In a split second life can change. Pap died that day in the shed. Trying to fix his truck because it wouldn’t start to make sure he picked up Nanna from work in time. In an instant your deepest part of your heart and soul can be ripped out. So live life knowing that it can and will all change, cherish ever single moment, look, touch, word, and breath, capture it and keep it in jar, to hold on to forever.

Long time coming

2009-01-14T11:16:00.002-05:00

Okay it’s been forever since I've posted any kind of blog post. It’s been needed though. I feel that if I get all my thoughts, problems, ideas, and concerns on paper (or webpage) that I feel some what relieved and anew.

I have stuck to the changes I have made thus far. I never considered these changes as New Years Resolution till just now but I guess they are. I am proud for being the strop and independent individual I knew I have always been cut out to be. Noticing your strength I believe gives you the determination to do better, be more.

I have been going to church recently. It’s the only day out of the week I look forward to. It gives me the ability to start a new week fresh. I have this constant desire now to be a better person; to let God be in full control of my life. To not worry about things at all but to know and believe that God will take care of every fireball thrown at my way. I become stronger and more alive each service. I have figured out that along with the bad decisions, I have made good ones that would have traumatized my life drastically if I were to have taken the other path. When I thought for so long that all hope was lost, I realized that I wasn’t as bad off…it could always be worse and if it wasn’t this than it would be something else.

However even knowing that God is all around me, by me with every move, I still feel greatly alone. I want to find that guy that I have always dreamed about. I want to feel like I matter to someone and not just them mattering to me. This whole relationship is a two way thing and ever single relationship that ever mattered to me was all me… I was the only one caring or fighting. It was as if I were at war with myself rather than the other person; pushing myself to see how long it would take before I break. I give up on the hunting, the wishing, and the praying. I'm just going to let God throw me a suitable lad on my doorstep. I’ll start to feel like I'm getting the vibe from someone, like thinking “hey I could see myself with him…he a good guy…this could work” but figuring out I was totally wrong. It’s a sucky feeling to say the least. It shouldn’t be this hard but nothing in life really is supposed to be. I believe that times are only hard because we begin to loose faith, loose the bigger picture: the idea that one day none of this will matter and how we worked so hard through out mortal life will pay off… All the troubles won’t matter…all the bad relationships, the fights, the heartbreaking times…wont matter. So I don’t regret spending all that time on that stupid pig-headed low life that never cared the way I did because in the end it won’t matter. I thank God for that everyday, to know that all these bad times I've had in the past wont effect my eternal happiness. That I’ll never have to feel that way ever again, nor will I ever think about these subjects of sadness. Anyway, God will bring me the love of my life when I am ready. I just wish that I wouldn’t feel so alone all the time. I'm just asking to find someone that won’t judge me, listen to all the words I say even if they might not be important. I don’t want to have to feel like I'm always working at the relationship… well you always have to work at a relationship I just don’t want to feel like I'm the one always trying, fighting, doing the work. I want it to come easy not to feel like its being forced. For once I want to be taken care of rather than me taking care of him. Last I for once want to feel worthy of a relationship, worthy to have someone, worthy to have the best. Knowing you are something and feeling you are something are two different things. It’s like I know I am loved but I want to feel loved or I know I am hungry because I haven’t ate in days but I want to feel hungry. Its two totally different things.

Okay enough about my loneliness. I still have an addiction to shoes. It’s unhealthy because I'm beginning to rely on a new pair of shoes to bring me happiness. It’s sad to think that the only time I'm absolutely happy is when I'm at the checkout stand with a new box of fabulous untouched shoes in my hand. No one should rely on materialistic items to bring emotion. One of my wise friends told me this:

First you should never let anything materialistic become between you and someone, that’s dumb
Second, you need to find something that doesn’t decrease your bank account for no reason except to make you feel better. Things should not make you happy, going home to your puppy and seeing the little tail wag out of excitement should make your feel better not seeing a $200 pair of shoes on your feet and plus, face it, sooner or later you will run out of room in your closet lets be honest
The things you already have in your life should give you joy. If you keep wanting and wanting more, you will never be happy with what your have it’s petty that you have to find happiness in a new pair of shoes.It’s not something to be proud of, but it is what it is, and you can and need to change the way it is.

So with that said I'm going to look at my shoes, wear them, but not buy them….well at least not buy a new pair everyday. I'm also going to turn my shoe-a-day calendar, looking at the new shoe as if I were buying it. Hopefully it will have the same effect….

Signing off for now…

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T22:22:00.002-05:00

So its Christmas eve and i have just returned from my dad's. So many things have been going on that i havent had a chance to write on my blog. This is probably the worst Christmas I have even had. First of all going to my dad's I see my niece who has terminal cancer, living through her most likely last Christmas. My heart breaks as i look at her. To see a bright young girl holding on each day with ever glimpse of hope. To know that she is living the hardest time of her life at such a young age. Its the hardest thing I will ever have to see, mainly bc i love that little girl so much. I always tell my nieces that I love them all the way to heaven and back. I cant believe that one day soon my love will have to travel all the way to heaven to reach her. Also this is my first Christmas with out my Pap. He is the only man that has ever loved me. He was and still is my most favorite person in the whole entire world. It just wont be the same. We would always make fun of him because he took FOREVER opening his presents. This year with him gone the presents are going to fly open and we wont have to wait on him. Now I wish I were able to wait because it made the special moment of Christmas last longer. I just wish all the good moments lasted longer. I got stuck in the mud today and it was so hard because if it happened just a year ago all i would have to do was call Pap to come get me out. I called my dad to come help me but like with everything he was aggravated and I didnt feel like he wanted to help me at all, like i was a burden. Pap would have been there with a smile on him face, he would have made it simple and easy. Last my little dog Izzy is very sick, dying in fact. She's the biggest part of our home. My mom its crying constantly and my sister is also very upset. I have to take her to the vet Friday, by myself because nor mom or my sister wants to be there. The will most likely put her to sleep. I will be there by myself because Im the only one who is strong enough to do it. I will then have to take her body and bury it...by myself. I dont think Im up to it but I know I have to. Christmas sucks.

Better week.

2008-12-10T15:33:00.002-05:00

This has certainly been a better week than the last. I have this whole new out look on my life. I change major change! Its such a good time to feel like this. We are living during a major time in history; I feel that with the new year ahead everything will be changing. Our country, our world, our ideas, or opinions, are changing. Obama is about to change so much that has went downhill and as my surrounding change i want to change with it.

Christmas is here! I like the holidays mainly because it a time where you see everyone you've haven't seen in a while. I'm curious to see when "our group" gets together if it will be different or if it'll will be like no one ever left for college.

On that note...I miss high school more and more each day. It seems that life is not as exciting and crazy as it was back in the day. I've only been graduated for 6 months and it seems like its been a lifetime ago when I used to walk those halls. I always hated the drama of high school but now it seems so small compared to my bigger drama these days. I thought that the moment I walked across that stage with a diploma in hand I would life the life I've always wanted to. I knew I would have to work for my "dream life" but i didn't think it would be this difficult. I've always pictured my dream to be withing fingertips away but now it seems it will take longer...much longer. I have however changed my plans some. I am working full time which I wasn't planning and I want to do a 27 month term in the Peace Corp before I start school. Besides working full time, i like this plan so much more. I feel that the life I have planned out will fulfill me entirely, giving me happiness and satisfaction.

A new week ahead...

2008-12-08T08:15:00.002-05:00

First of all I feel like I haven't wrote on my blog in forever. Its something I feel I need to do. Its just hard some days finding the time. I have dyed my hair again this weekend. I love it! I'm not sure if its the actual color that I love but the excitement of something new and fresh that i love even more. My life thrives on change....positive change that is. I love change, it makes me so happy....kind of like shoes. Sometimes I wonder how out of control can I let my shoe obsession get before it comes a problem. I had decided that I needed to find happiness in something else rather than a person...I have found bliss but they're materialistic items. When i buy a new pair of shoes I'm the happiest person alive. Its like someone cut the light on in my dark and sad world. My mom laughs at me for this shoe obsession but honestly its the best kind of happy Ive felt in a long time.

I miss high school so much. I miss feeling alive. I felt so alive each day i entered that building. Wither I was depressed or on an all time high,I felt alive; rather than this dead and uselessness I feel now. Being in high school it allowed me to feel raw emotion. As terrifying as those feeling felt its better than this funk I've been in lately. It was a life worth living. Plus i miss my friends. All of them. Its not how it used to be at all and I would give up everything I have at this moment in life to relive my senior year, for it was by far the best year of my life.

I was talking to Kourt, Des, and Brit last night about our future plans for our lives. When i really sit down and think about my life I pretty much know what I want to do and when. Here is an idea of my goals I have.

In 2 years join the peace corp. which is a term of 27 months straight.
Come back go to beauty school.
Move to a big city (Chicago hopefully)
Be an awesome hardcore stylist and bar tend at a trendy glamorous club/bar
Get married when I'm 30 and have kids shortly after.

It might be a little far fetched but that's my dream life and I'll do everything in my power to get there...exactly where i want to be

Dead

2008-12-05T08:23:00.002-05:00

Well this had been by far the one of the worst weeks Ive had in a long time. Everything seems to be falling apart. I find myself feeling dead. I'm trying to find something to bring me back to life. Ive been so upset all week. I need a break. some kind of getaway or something. Its like my days are longer and my nights are never ending. I don't even know who I am anymore. So unsatisfied with my life right now. All i know is this is not who i wanted to be. I need something new and exciting...I just feel like I have to get out of this horrid place before I can find it. I'm not at the point in my life where I can. I just want to, somehow be happy. Thanks all I want...I just want to feel alive again.

Just another Monday

2008-12-01T08:51:00.003-05:00

First of all I love the holidays! I'm extremely excited about Christmas this year. However i keep picturing me in a big city captivated by all the season spirits. I wish i were there. The thought of it just makes me quite happy and satisfied. I also love shopping, buying gifts for everybody. I honestly think I get more excited about black Friday than I do Thanksgiving. Its just a fantastic that I wouldn't ever miss. Hoping that every ones Thanksgiving weekend was splendid. Mine was alright. Many things were different, especially my Pap being gone. I tired not to think about it much which is so hard because he's always been apart of everything i can ever remember in my life. I miss him more that I would miss food or water. He was the one person i loved unconditionally, he loved me as if I was his own... that meant the world.

There comes a point in life where you have no idea what to do. Im praying for answers but where I look Im still lost. I need some guidance, some one who wont judge me to tell me what to do. How can someone ask you to give up the only good thing you have left? Not even knowing if you'll get what you what in the end but it being the only way. Where do i go from here? Do i fight with losing the biggest part of my self in the process or do I walk away losing the biggest love in my life. I'm standing at a fork in the road 2 paths to choice from and i just dont know which one to take.

I hate mondays! Its like you have to get through another week. I cant have any relief or sanity intill the weekend, on mondays that seem so far away.

Stuck

2008-11-25T08:38:00.003-05:00

... And after all of this Im still feeling lost and alone. There comes these days where Im numb to you. I cant feel pain or happiness Im just filled with this terrifying anger. I think now I hate you more than I love you. A hate that controls me, my every being. I want this to be easy but you always make it hard. Im a shell washing up to the shore and you are the vigorous sea that pushes me to firmer ground but in an instant you pull me back out. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, you play your games with me as I just wait for the day were I'll be rescued. Rescued by a hand that will hold me safe and securely in their palm, loving thy as if I was the glorious waters that you were. I feel as if my heart is a bomb and every beat is a tick, waiting to explode, to destroy all of me. There are these times where i have these unbearable cravings to be next to you. My skin begins to crawl as if deadly spiders covered every inch of my flesh. My heart begins to race, pulsating my entire body, visible to the eye and I am unable, in that moment to breathe. Looking down at my frail vulnerable body, for the first time I feel, see, and touch the million knives you left in me. I take my hand and wrap it around each handle and I begin to pull them, bracing myself as each one hits the floor. I take my bloody hands and lay them perfectly on your chest, take one more look into those eyes, then I begin to fight. I am within 3 seconds a warrior fighting for his own. Noo matter my strength or the use of all my weapons you fight, pushing me back 5 times harder. As I scream your name, close enough to you that I can feel your eased breath but you dont notice me. As I look into those worry less calming eyes, speaking with a shrieking cry, yearning to touch your skin, I am unable. You look straight ahead with a single force of your hand in front of you; as if you were a stone statue standing in the middle of the desert with one hand upon my delicate shoulder. As if cement ingulfed my feet, I can not move forward nor walk away. I am stuck under your indulging power... I am stuck.

Good Morning!

2008-11-24T08:40:00.002-05:00

I have to say first that I am super excited about this week! I love Thanksgiving! Its like the kick off of the holidays. I love not only the food but the SHOPPING! Im pumped that the holiday is here.

Oh what a weekend! The old Nicole came back for a small visit. I think she'd been gone so long she couldn't control herself. haha! Friday night was crazy but I needed a little crazy, it made life exciting for one night.

I am ready for change. I want to be able to feel alive again. I feel so dull, like Im just here taking up space. Where do I go to find change? Im limited to what i have to work with. I have to work, so Im forced with time for change. There are some aspects of my life that i love and wouldn't want any differently but with those there comes the life Im tired of living.

What needs the most change is my love life I guess you could say. Im so done talking about him and having to explain how i feel. I love him more that life its self but i almost feel as if i need something new. Dont get me wrong, I think that if our relationship was perfect, exactly how I've always wanted it, than it would be new and exciting every day. I cant seem to pick the pieces up off the floor; either to put them back together or to throw them away.

Is this week over yet?

2008-11-20T07:57:00.002-05:00

Sorry I havent had a chance to write all day yesterday. It was crazy at the office. I probably had the worst day Ive ever had here. How can one simple problem that can be do easily fixed cause such an uproar? Everyone is heated all because of a stupid computer and the only thing I want is the resources to do my job quickly and successfully...thats it. Hope in the business world today will be better.

Ive been trying to buy a car but its hard to find a dealership that will without me having a cosigner. So since everyone I know has horrible credit, its kind of been hard. Hopefully though after pulling out s few tricks I have up my sleeve I'm figure this all out and have a car to call my own.

I having this problem of not knowing how I feel. Its like i cant explain nor come to terms with all these feeling I have. I dont know what to believe, what i want. Im so confused about it all. There comes a point in life where you've worked so hard for everything you've ever wanted but when you finally get what you've waited for you only want more... I feel like I deserve so much more. There is nothing more that I want than what you say but I can wait around. I cant wait knowing for sure if it will be the perfect fairytale. Im just waiting.... Im so scared that he's going to go today and wont come straight back home. Im afraid of how its going to feel without him. Praying for God to grant so many people in my life miracles. Am I asking to much?

Crazy Day.

2008-11-18T08:10:00.002-05:00

You know when you wake up in the morning and you have that feeling that lets you know today is going to be a doosie? Well today is that day. Its like I knew last night that it was going to crazy. In an hour Ive downed 3 cups of coffee...if i could i would have 2 cigs for each cup. There are all sorts of people coming in the office this morning. Which leaves me to run around figuring out where they go...crazy to say the least. On top of this chaos I have all these feeling running through me. My thoughts are catching me off guard and causing me to collapse. If God gives me the strength to make it through one more day I owe him more than all I have.

How can one three hour period make you feel so violated, dirty, and used? I can barley hold it together. The thought makes my skin crawl. I have no control over these feelings. There are these moments where Im about to break. I dont know how I feel exactly, Im just emotional wreck today. Praying for some kind of release. With all these people here I feel like Im just plastic. Smiling when inside, my world is crumbling. Im scared and sad, hopeful and hopeless. I feel it all but now I feel mostly violated, dirty, and used. Its a weird feeling to have but I seriously feel like I could bathe 100 times and still not be clean. There is no real reason I feel this way, nothing I havent done many times before and nor should this event create these feelings. Today is different however maybe because I know more now than I knew then. Maybe because these little tidbits of info have been eating at my brain and my heart worse that any infection I could ever possibly have.

Here is me screaming in an empty dark desert, right before the only rain, wind caressing every inch of me....I am the calm before the storm, and this moment right now is the peace before i break. I can feel it rise within me, the inner war. Its here and Im fighting.

Hello Monday

2008-11-17T08:04:00.002-05:00

Well this has been your pretty basic weekend.

My leg is finally starting to get a whole lot better. After suffering through 3 shots I'm hoping I wont need another one.

Sometimes I wonder really how much do your friends care? See a certain someone who is quite a large subject in my life shows up at a party ever single one of my friends are at. No one calls to tell me...not even my best friends. It really just hurt my feelins because if someone like that would have showed up and one of my girls werent there I'd call...just because. When I ask some of them about it they just get all pissy at me. I mean really??? It really just hurt my feelings plain and simple. I i do feel that most of my friends arent amazing friends anyway. So again here I am...alone. Always alone. Really in the end I'll only have myself. At least thats the way i feel now.

Im wanting my old life back. I dont like being a grown up.

No Surgery!

2008-11-13T11:44:00.002-05:00

Well my infection seems to be getting better. I didn't have to go see the surgeon at all! They gave me another shot, the same one they gave me last night. They give then in my back towards my hip, in a joint. It hurts like total hell. I seem to me having muscle spasms. Hope they will ware off soon. Im still not for sure what kind of infection it is exactly, my test results have came back yet.

So how can something so wrong feel so right and make you happy? I did give in, however it was worth is. Its like a sweet addiction that I have no control over. Ive come to realize that I don't have control for many things but the things I can control I will. I'll control them for me and yes while making the choices I might forget about the future consequences but I refuse to live another moment in life embracing it. Last night was just a series of moments that fill me and the emptiness that surrounds. Those kinds of moments are the ones I live for. Where you can feel you heart beating in the depth of you stomach and it doesnt matter if its gonna bite my ass one day because I truly believe everything happens for a reason. The exquisite moments are the ones Im going to remember and the bad moments are just another lesson learned, making me more wise.

“Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment.”
J. Donald Walters

It happens to me why?

2008-11-13T00:05:00.002-05:00

Okay so apparently I might have to have surgery! Blahhh! All the crazy things happen to me. I had this large swelled knot come up on my right leg....To spare you the gross details, when I went to the Urgent Treatment Center they told me that I have some kind of infection thats eating away my skin tissue. I have to go to the surgeon tomorrow to see if he has to cut out the infected tissue so in wont spread. Please someone tell me how crazy this it??? Only me would have some weird skin infection. I'll keep you updated as soon as I know.

Listen to some Bob Marley tonight....just for the hell of it ;)

When it dark turns to light.

2008-11-12T08:34:00.000-05:00

Good Morning World!

Yesterday was an amazing day. With a simple text I felt full again rather than empty. My dad actually took the time out of his day and had lunch with me. I got to spend the evening with my most favorite people. I know I shouldn't rely on others for my happiness but people that make me fill this good, its hard not to need it. With me its almost like a craving I have for people. The more people I'm surrounded by the better. I rather be with someone all minutes of the day then to be alone.

Another thought that I have this morning is maybe in the end everything will all work out in my favor. I've but my entire self to try to make this relationship work, to make him see that I'm the one. What if I've fought so long and hard that it will pay of. At the surface of me I breath in crisp air, knowing I've alive and everything is okay but in the depths on me I breath in hot heavy air, knowing I'm about to die. Gasping for the air that is there but is so thick I can't inhale; waiting for that last draw where my hopes, promises, strength terminates. Do I love him? You bet! With all my heart but will love be enough? Is love ever just enough? I also wonder where are the signs I follow? If I said had a way to know what God wants me to do it would all be over.... Or would it? How many times have I hit rock bottom in this relationship? Apparently when I hit all I do is bounce, to hit again, and then jump right back before i hit again. When will I be able to climb rather than bounce my way to the top?

I with all the confusion in my life I want to thank God for this glorious day. Even though its grey, cold, and rainy just knowing that by a push of two hands there is beauty, blue, and sun underneath the ugly is an amazing feeling all its own. Its give the statement "inner beauty is what matters" a true meaning. And besides if we had wonderful weather all the time then it wouldn't excite us as much or makes us as happy as it does when we have to wait for it!

Tip for the day: got deodorant on your cloths? Take a pair of nylon panty hose and rub the deodorant streak. I promise it will look as good as new! :)

My First Blog Entry.

2008-11-11T10:58:00.000-05:00

I am so excited about my first blog!!!! Thanks to my brother Kyle who gave me the idea. Bare with me as I get my page the way I want it, its a little bare. I'm still learning.

Where to start....I have so many things going through my mind right now; life, politics, love, and happiness to name a few. How hard it is to go a day without seeing someone you see everyday. Its crazy that without someones presence you day can seem so off track. How alone I feel without some kind of contact. I wonder when I'll ever walk away and finally get used to being without him. Like so many other people in my life I've learned to accept the way it is and with time get used to it but with him i keep fighting, fighting for change. Isn't it funny how most of us seem to use the same line "Fighting for Change". Here in this historic time we've just elected a president who's fighting for change. We all seem to want better for our lives, country, family, and world. I keep hoping for a day where I can wake up one day and my life be exactly how I want it but then i have to remind my self that what would I learn if it was all just handed to me. I have to find strength in myself to get through the day without depending on someone. To find my happiness in something other than the presence of a person.

Listen to Turin Brakes- Dark on Fire My newest favorite song!