A year ago...

Today marks one year since my Pap has died, I still can’t believe he’s gone. I look back on that day and I get chills, my world in a matter of minutes came crashing down. I love that man more than anybody else in this entire earth. Even though I looked at him like my grandfather, he wasn’t. All he really was was my uncle by marriage. However that didn’t matter he loved me like I was his own, is the only man that has ever loved me the right way. He wasn’t just my uncle or better yet my Pap, he was my dad. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or what to crawl up in his lap like I did every time I saw him. It tears me up inside to know that he wont be there to make it all better. Not just I but the whole family relied on him so much and he did everything with out a single bitter bone in his body.

I miss him more that the sweet warm smell of summer during this brutal and bitter winter. I miss the way he snored so loud it shook the house, I miss the big black blob on his right arm that used to be a tattoo, I miss the way his skin was soft and stretchy, I miss how he called me shorty even though I have always been freakishly tall, I miss how I could call on him when I needed something and how I would never have to worry, I miss sitting in his chair with him, I miss him having the T.V. so loud it made your head hurt, I miss all his gambling stories, poker, racetrack and all, I miss how he always took forever in a day to eat and to open his Christmas presents, I miss how he hated real coffee but always drank instant, I miss him getting mad at us when we were kids, pulling the branch from the tree but never once hit us with it, I miss how he called Nanna never by anything else other than old lady, I miss how he would always have peanut butter crackers in his truck, I miss how he would spend hours figuring up horse racing statistics, I miss how he could fix anything, I miss how he would drive us around telling the same stories over and over, I miss how I felt safe when he was there, I miss how he was the only one who could handle Michael, I miss how he never would let his picture be taking, I miss how he hated Bush, I miss how he would do anything for anybody, I miss how he could go into Wal-Mart for milk and be in there for an hour, I miss how he knew so many people, I miss how he would talk to some one and have no idea who they were, I miss how he took care of my Nanna, I miss how he loved her, I miss how he would show us a card trick but if he messed up he kept doing it over and over till he got it right, I miss how he smiles, how it made his eyes squint, I miss that scared feeling I got when I rode with him in the car, I miss how he loved me, how he loved all of his, I miss how he acted like he hated animals but he secretly loved them, I miss how strong he was physically and emotionally, I miss how he taught me things, I miss how he loved boxing, I miss how he was always cold, I miss how he had his electric blanket on in the middle of summer, I miss how he had to sleep with at least 4 pillows, I miss his dark skin, I miss his blue eyes, I miss his white hair, I miss the blackheads by his left eye that I could never get rid of, I miss all of him and all the things he did.

My heart will never be the same without him. I can barely hold it all together as it is. I always said the day I loose my Pap is the day I’ll loose it completely and I did loose it that day. Within a year I have regained most of me back but there is still a piece of me gone, hopefully with him. I have always been afraid of death but now not so much, because I know that will be the day that I’ll get to see, in flesh the most important person in my life.

Make sure you always say I love you to the ones who mean the most to you. Make sure that if something was to happen you’ll let them leave without feeling guilty or regretful. In a split second life can change. Pap died that day in the shed. Trying to fix his truck because it wouldn’t start to make sure he picked up Nanna from work in time. In an instant your deepest part of your heart and soul can be ripped out. So live life knowing that it can and will all change, cherish ever single moment, look, touch, word, and breath, capture it and keep it in jar, to hold on to forever.