Christmas Eve

So its Christmas eve and i have just returned from my dad's. So many things have been going on that i havent had a chance to write on my blog. This is probably the worst Christmas I have even had. First of all going to my dad's I see my niece who has terminal cancer, living through her most likely last Christmas. My heart breaks as i look at her. To see a bright young girl holding on each day with ever glimpse of hope. To know that she is living the hardest time of her life at such a young age. Its the hardest thing I will ever have to see, mainly bc i love that little girl so much. I always tell my nieces that I love them all the way to heaven and back. I cant believe that one day soon my love will have to travel all the way to heaven to reach her. Also this is my first Christmas with out my Pap. He is the only man that has ever loved me. He was and still is my most favorite person in the whole entire world. It just wont be the same. We would always make fun of him because he took FOREVER opening his presents. This year with him gone the presents are going to fly open and we wont have to wait on him. Now I wish I were able to wait because it made the special moment of Christmas last longer. I just wish all the good moments lasted longer. I got stuck in the mud today and it was so hard because if it happened just a year ago all i would have to do was call Pap to come get me out. I called my dad to come help me but like with everything he was aggravated and I didnt feel like he wanted to help me at all, like i was a burden. Pap would have been there with a smile on him face, he would have made it simple and easy. Last my little dog Izzy is very sick, dying in fact. She's the biggest part of our home. My mom its crying constantly and my sister is also very upset. I have to take her to the vet Friday, by myself because nor mom or my sister wants to be there. The will most likely put her to sleep. I will be there by myself because Im the only one who is strong enough to do it. I will then have to take her body and bury it...by myself. I dont think Im up to it but I know I have to. Christmas sucks.

Better week.

This has certainly been a better week than the last. I have this whole new out look on my life. I change major change! Its such a good time to feel like this. We are living during a major time in history; I feel that with the new year ahead everything will be changing. Our country, our world, our ideas, or opinions, are changing. Obama is about to change so much that has went downhill and as my surrounding change i want to change with it.

Christmas is here! I like the holidays mainly because it a time where you see everyone you've haven't seen in a while. I'm curious to see when "our group" gets together if it will be different or if it'll will be like no one ever left for college.

On that note...I miss high school more and more each day. It seems that life is not as exciting and crazy as it was back in the day. I've only been graduated for 6 months and it seems like its been a lifetime ago when I used to walk those halls. I always hated the drama of high school but now it seems so small compared to my bigger drama these days. I thought that the moment I walked across that stage with a diploma in hand I would life the life I've always wanted to. I knew I would have to work for my "dream life" but i didn't think it would be this difficult. I've always pictured my dream to be withing fingertips away but now it seems it will take longer...much longer. I have however changed my plans some. I am working full time which I wasn't planning and I want to do a 27 month term in the Peace Corp before I start school. Besides working full time, i like this plan so much more. I feel that the life I have planned out will fulfill me entirely, giving me happiness and satisfaction.

A new week ahead...

First of all I feel like I haven't wrote on my blog in forever. Its something I feel I need to do. Its just hard some days finding the time. I have dyed my hair again this weekend. I love it! I'm not sure if its the actual color that I love but the excitement of something new and fresh that i love even more. My life thrives on change....positive change that is. I love change, it makes me so happy....kind of like shoes. Sometimes I wonder how out of control can I let my shoe obsession get before it comes a problem. I had decided that I needed to find happiness in something else rather than a person...I have found bliss but they're materialistic items. When i buy a new pair of shoes I'm the happiest person alive. Its like someone cut the light on in my dark and sad world. My mom laughs at me for this shoe obsession but honestly its the best kind of happy Ive felt in a long time.

I miss high school so much. I miss feeling alive. I felt so alive each day i entered that building. Wither I was depressed or on an all time high,I felt alive; rather than this dead and uselessness I feel now. Being in high school it allowed me to feel raw emotion. As terrifying as those feeling felt its better than this funk I've been in lately. It was a life worth living. Plus i miss my friends. All of them. Its not how it used to be at all and I would give up everything I have at this moment in life to relive my senior year, for it was by far the best year of my life.

I was talking to Kourt, Des, and Brit last night about our future plans for our lives. When i really sit down and think about my life I pretty much know what I want to do and when. Here is an idea of my goals I have.

In 2 years join the peace corp. which is a term of 27 months straight.
Come back go to beauty school.
Move to a big city (Chicago hopefully)
Be an awesome hardcore stylist and bar tend at a trendy glamorous club/bar
Get married when I'm 30 and have kids shortly after.

It might be a little far fetched but that's my dream life and I'll do everything in my power to get there...exactly where i want to be

Dead

Well this had been by far the one of the worst weeks Ive had in a long time. Everything seems to be falling apart. I find myself feeling dead. I'm trying to find something to bring me back to life. Ive been so upset all week. I need a break. some kind of getaway or something. Its like my days are longer and my nights are never ending. I don't even know who I am anymore. So unsatisfied with my life right now. All i know is this is not who i wanted to be. I need something new and exciting...I just feel like I have to get out of this horrid place before I can find it. I'm not at the point in my life where I can. I just want to, somehow be happy. Thanks all I want...I just want to feel alive again.

Just another Monday

First of all I love the holidays! I'm extremely excited about Christmas this year. However i keep picturing me in a big city captivated by all the season spirits. I wish i were there. The thought of it just makes me quite happy and satisfied. I also love shopping, buying gifts for everybody. I honestly think I get more excited about black Friday than I do Thanksgiving. Its just a fantastic that I wouldn't ever miss. Hoping that every ones Thanksgiving weekend was splendid. Mine was alright. Many things were different, especially my Pap being gone. I tired not to think about it much which is so hard because he's always been apart of everything i can ever remember in my life. I miss him more that I would miss food or water. He was the one person i loved unconditionally, he loved me as if I was his own... that meant the world.

There comes a point in life where you have no idea what to do. Im praying for answers but where I look Im still lost. I need some guidance, some one who wont judge me to tell me what to do. How can someone ask you to give up the only good thing you have left? Not even knowing if you'll get what you what in the end but it being the only way. Where do i go from here? Do i fight with losing the biggest part of my self in the process or do I walk away losing the biggest love in my life. I'm standing at a fork in the road 2 paths to choice from and i just dont know which one to take.

I hate mondays! Its like you have to get through another week. I cant have any relief or sanity intill the weekend, on mondays that seem so far away.