How cute is this!

Rainy Thursday

I feel pretty crappy today. I believe I have the start of a cold, hopefully. I wouldnt be very pleased if I were Kentucky's first care of the Swine...hopefully not. egh. I am pretty bummed that it is supposed to rain all weekend long. I am off Sunday and would love to go to Sugar Creek. I love summer! Im am not quite sure how I will balance the summer life with all the work that I do. Hopefully I'll be able to pull through it because summer is too sweet to let it pass you by. I wish I were able to see out of a window at the office. I am enclosed by walls which never allows be to see the current situation outside. If I am going to sit behind a desk all day I much rather it be by a window.

On a side note I can NOT believe that Adam was in the bottom 2 last night!!! What is wrong with America?!?!?! He's talented, more than any other contestant on that show.

I went to sleep while watching AI last night. Woke up to turn my tv off just as they anounced who was going home. So I went to bed a little earlier than usual. Now i am beating myself up to stay awak. I wish that my job wasn't so boring. I wish I could go to school...to do what I love. Hoping that somehow, God willing, I will move on soon. I just have to find that money to do so.

Love

This here is my life! The ones that I love the most. My most favorite thing in this world is getting lovin from by 3 best girls. Mollie, Makayla, & Madison. We had a full fledged photoshoot the other night, here are just 3 of the pictures. Please visit my facebook to see all the pictures.

Smile because you can. I have learned that even with tears in your eyes you must smile, it makes the toughest of times much easier. There is just something about a child that makes your faith a little stronger and let you believe in all impossible. This is love to me. Rather its a night playing a game with my nieces, are getting dressed up to have dinner with all the girls, a sunny day at Kenneland, the first drop of spring rain, a homemade birthday cake, fishing at the creek...its not the money or my new car or clothes or shoes but its these simple things that I love, that makes my life complete!

Thoughtful Tuesday

I have had so much on my mind lately. I keep thinking about all the choices I have made, trying to find the sense in it all. Thinking of the moments I dont want to be reminded of. Feelings I have locked in a box for so long.

Last night for the first time I felt the fear of loosing Makayla. I was watching last weeks episode of Grey's anatomy that i had on dvr. This child not much younger than Makayla suffering through her last moments. It a heart string, I completely realized that this will, one day soon be Kayla. Im not sure if I'll ever understand. I just want to know how God chooses between two helpless children; which one deserves a miracle? Which one comes home? I just wish I knew his intentions and why do these poor innocent children suffer. Why can't this battle happen to me; Someone who see's more sad unsatisfying days than happy ones but not to a child who has life, who has absolute carefree happiness. Thats the way it needs it be, the way its supposed to. I just wish I knew....just wish I knew...

Even though hard times are on my home front some have it even harder. http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

This blog is about a baby who has never seen nor felt natural beaming warm light. I have realized that Kayla, even if there is the possibility that her life will be cut short, has had a chance to learn, to love, to run around in the yard, to feel the sun against her cheek as this tiny gift lays helplessly. The Freeman family is suffering more than anyone I know. I have donated today an amount of money to help them hold on to some type of faith, to feel a small amount of warmth in a cold reality. It wasnt much but its a start. One day I believe that we will find a cure for all these diseases that affect God's children. For they are this worlds only hope to survive.

Take a moment today to be thankful for what you have. Also take a moment to pray for all these children who suffer, who are scared, who fight. Also remember the families, that are more scared than the child that stands before them.

I pray each day that God grants Makayla a miracle. A chance to experience what life can really give us. That one day she will win her battle with cancer, that the war will stop but she wont surrender. I pray for every young life that suffers.

There just has to be way....to make this stop...

April 23rd

Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. ~Jean Paul Richter

I am thinking about selling avon and mark. I love mark! If you begin to sell mark its 40% off for you. Hopefully I can get a little more extra money on the side. I just keep adding more and more on to my work load. but this will be simple and fun. avon/mark is cheap and good all at the same time. I am creating this blog post from my cellular device to see how it works!

Another Year

Its hard to believe that my birthday is tomorrow. I look back on the previous year and see all the changes my life has made. If I could go back I would do it in a heart beat. I want to feel alive again. Now I just sit at this desk everyday wondering when God will give me a break. As everyone knows I miss high school, I miss the carefree of it all. I felt like when I were to graduate in less than two months I would find my purpose. Now I feel I am living a life for which I have stuck myself in. Something I cant walk away from for I will not survive but a place that brings as much happiness to me as headache. How do you find the resources to do what you love when there are none. I have no other option, I must work. Even now I make more money than anyone else my age but I still dont have enough to do anything I remotely want to do in life. I strive for change and I have been stuck in this pattern for longer than 6 months. Im dying inside, dying a unhappy person. We are all dying each day is one day closer to our death. It scares me because I have no idea when my last day is and I am afraid that i wont get to experience the things I want to do, to make a difference in this world.

To me a birthday is just another year. Now its not a celebration but a reminder that is another wasted year. Another 365 days that I spent most of them uphappy, because I'm here, and sitting in behind this desk is NOT where I want to be. I hope some major changes happen to me in the 19th year on the world, good changes.

On the bright side of sitting at a front desk for 10 hours a day its Administrative Professionals Day which means we get FREE lunch at Malones and pretty flowers!

The Way I See It # 21

People need to see that, far away from being an obstacle, the world's diversity of languages, religion and traditions is great treasure, affording up precious opportunities to recognize ourselves in others.

--Youssou N'Dour

Musician

Winter is BACK

Its currently snowing like crazy outside....total CRAP. Hopefully tomorrow is the start of our final warm up from winter temps, if we are lucky.

I am going to Florida with my dads side of the family the first part of May. Its Makayla's wish to go to the beach and find seashells. Im super excited that i get to spend good quality time with her and my other two nieces. It will be a nice vaca as well. Anytime I get to escape from reality is much needed and appreciated. I hope Makayla has a fantastic time when we go. I also hope her health is good and does hinder her vacation.

I wish I had the money to get a really nice camera. I want to take beautiful pictures throughout this short time we have. I want there to be so many captured memories as if she had lived to be 100 years old. I also want to have good pictures to remind me everyday why we are here on this earth, that there is higher reason, and how we have only this one chance to make our lives worth the space each of us take up. I want to look at them and be reminded of what true happiness is, what true pain is, what true sadness is, and what true faith is. I want others to be able to see those images many years from now and be inspired. To give motivation to find a cure, to never give up hope that one day cancer will be cured as if it was just a common cold. That's my prayer, my hope.

On the brighter side of things.

As most know my birthday is coming very soon! As I do every year, I'm having a Keeneland outing. I can’t tell you how much I love my birthday! It becomes a sudden fact that summer is so close you can taste it. Keeneland’s spring meet always falls on my birthday. There is just something about those warmer days, in a cotton dress, amongst all varieties of people in the stands, the smell of beer, the pounding of you heart when the Thoroughbreds race out of the gate, the sick excited feeling when your bet becomes reality as each tired horse runs across the finish line that makes me so happy. I really can’t wait! I have already ordered my birthday Keeneland dress…it stole my heart at first sight! I ordered it off the internet, fingers crossed that its fits and looks decent.

Short Thought

Sometimes I find myself in a daze where I forget to breath, suddenly thinking to “okay how long since I've inhaled?”

My step sister wrote on Makayla’s journal that “We are only borrowed” and how true that is. We all belong to God and he lends us to the earth; here is where we become heaven worthy. Makayla is worthy; I on the other hand have days where I struggle.

I have so many emotions and don’t know how to sort through them all.

......

The doctors stopped Makayla chemo today...

This is it.