A year ago...

Today marks one year since my Pap has died, I still can’t believe he’s gone. I look back on that day and I get chills, my world in a matter of minutes came crashing down. I love that man more than anybody else in this entire earth. Even though I looked at him like my grandfather, he wasn’t. All he really was was my uncle by marriage. However that didn’t matter he loved me like I was his own, is the only man that has ever loved me the right way. He wasn’t just my uncle or better yet my Pap, he was my dad. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or what to crawl up in his lap like I did every time I saw him. It tears me up inside to know that he wont be there to make it all better. Not just I but the whole family relied on him so much and he did everything with out a single bitter bone in his body.

I miss him more that the sweet warm smell of summer during this brutal and bitter winter. I miss the way he snored so loud it shook the house, I miss the big black blob on his right arm that used to be a tattoo, I miss the way his skin was soft and stretchy, I miss how he called me shorty even though I have always been freakishly tall, I miss how I could call on him when I needed something and how I would never have to worry, I miss sitting in his chair with him, I miss him having the T.V. so loud it made your head hurt, I miss all his gambling stories, poker, racetrack and all, I miss how he always took forever in a day to eat and to open his Christmas presents, I miss how he hated real coffee but always drank instant, I miss him getting mad at us when we were kids, pulling the branch from the tree but never once hit us with it, I miss how he called Nanna never by anything else other than old lady, I miss how he would always have peanut butter crackers in his truck, I miss how he would spend hours figuring up horse racing statistics, I miss how he could fix anything, I miss how he would drive us around telling the same stories over and over, I miss how I felt safe when he was there, I miss how he was the only one who could handle Michael, I miss how he never would let his picture be taking, I miss how he hated Bush, I miss how he would do anything for anybody, I miss how he could go into Wal-Mart for milk and be in there for an hour, I miss how he knew so many people, I miss how he would talk to some one and have no idea who they were, I miss how he took care of my Nanna, I miss how he loved her, I miss how he would show us a card trick but if he messed up he kept doing it over and over till he got it right, I miss how he smiles, how it made his eyes squint, I miss that scared feeling I got when I rode with him in the car, I miss how he loved me, how he loved all of his, I miss how he acted like he hated animals but he secretly loved them, I miss how strong he was physically and emotionally, I miss how he taught me things, I miss how he loved boxing, I miss how he was always cold, I miss how he had his electric blanket on in the middle of summer, I miss how he had to sleep with at least 4 pillows, I miss his dark skin, I miss his blue eyes, I miss his white hair, I miss the blackheads by his left eye that I could never get rid of, I miss all of him and all the things he did.

My heart will never be the same without him. I can barely hold it all together as it is. I always said the day I loose my Pap is the day I’ll loose it completely and I did loose it that day. Within a year I have regained most of me back but there is still a piece of me gone, hopefully with him. I have always been afraid of death but now not so much, because I know that will be the day that I’ll get to see, in flesh the most important person in my life.

Make sure you always say I love you to the ones who mean the most to you. Make sure that if something was to happen you’ll let them leave without feeling guilty or regretful. In a split second life can change. Pap died that day in the shed. Trying to fix his truck because it wouldn’t start to make sure he picked up Nanna from work in time. In an instant your deepest part of your heart and soul can be ripped out. So live life knowing that it can and will all change, cherish ever single moment, look, touch, word, and breath, capture it and keep it in jar, to hold on to forever.

Long time coming

Okay it’s been forever since I've posted any kind of blog post. It’s been needed though. I feel that if I get all my thoughts, problems, ideas, and concerns on paper (or webpage) that I feel some what relieved and anew.

I have stuck to the changes I have made thus far. I never considered these changes as New Years Resolution till just now but I guess they are. I am proud for being the strop and independent individual I knew I have always been cut out to be. Noticing your strength I believe gives you the determination to do better, be more.

I have been going to church recently. It’s the only day out of the week I look forward to. It gives me the ability to start a new week fresh. I have this constant desire now to be a better person; to let God be in full control of my life. To not worry about things at all but to know and believe that God will take care of every fireball thrown at my way. I become stronger and more alive each service. I have figured out that along with the bad decisions, I have made good ones that would have traumatized my life drastically if I were to have taken the other path. When I thought for so long that all hope was lost, I realized that I wasn’t as bad off…it could always be worse and if it wasn’t this than it would be something else.

However even knowing that God is all around me, by me with every move, I still feel greatly alone. I want to find that guy that I have always dreamed about. I want to feel like I matter to someone and not just them mattering to me. This whole relationship is a two way thing and ever single relationship that ever mattered to me was all me… I was the only one caring or fighting. It was as if I were at war with myself rather than the other person; pushing myself to see how long it would take before I break. I give up on the hunting, the wishing, and the praying. I'm just going to let God throw me a suitable lad on my doorstep. I’ll start to feel like I'm getting the vibe from someone, like thinking “hey I could see myself with him…he a good guy…this could work” but figuring out I was totally wrong. It’s a sucky feeling to say the least. It shouldn’t be this hard but nothing in life really is supposed to be. I believe that times are only hard because we begin to loose faith, loose the bigger picture: the idea that one day none of this will matter and how we worked so hard through out mortal life will pay off… All the troubles won’t matter…all the bad relationships, the fights, the heartbreaking times…wont matter. So I don’t regret spending all that time on that stupid pig-headed low life that never cared the way I did because in the end it won’t matter. I thank God for that everyday, to know that all these bad times I've had in the past wont effect my eternal happiness. That I’ll never have to feel that way ever again, nor will I ever think about these subjects of sadness. Anyway, God will bring me the love of my life when I am ready. I just wish that I wouldn’t feel so alone all the time. I'm just asking to find someone that won’t judge me, listen to all the words I say even if they might not be important. I don’t want to have to feel like I'm always working at the relationship… well you always have to work at a relationship I just don’t want to feel like I'm the one always trying, fighting, doing the work. I want it to come easy not to feel like its being forced. For once I want to be taken care of rather than me taking care of him. Last I for once want to feel worthy of a relationship, worthy to have someone, worthy to have the best. Knowing you are something and feeling you are something are two different things. It’s like I know I am loved but I want to feel loved or I know I am hungry because I haven’t ate in days but I want to feel hungry. Its two totally different things.

Okay enough about my loneliness. I still have an addiction to shoes. It’s unhealthy because I'm beginning to rely on a new pair of shoes to bring me happiness. It’s sad to think that the only time I'm absolutely happy is when I'm at the checkout stand with a new box of fabulous untouched shoes in my hand. No one should rely on materialistic items to bring emotion. One of my wise friends told me this:

First you should never let anything materialistic become between you and someone, that’s dumb
Second, you need to find something that doesn’t decrease your bank account for no reason except to make you feel better. Things should not make you happy, going home to your puppy and seeing the little tail wag out of excitement should make your feel better not seeing a $200 pair of shoes on your feet and plus, face it, sooner or later you will run out of room in your closet lets be honest
The things you already have in your life should give you joy. If you keep wanting and wanting more, you will never be happy with what your have it’s petty that you have to find happiness in a new pair of shoes.It’s not something to be proud of, but it is what it is, and you can and need to change the way it is.

So with that said I'm going to look at my shoes, wear them, but not buy them….well at least not buy a new pair everyday. I'm also going to turn my shoe-a-day calendar, looking at the new shoe as if I were buying it. Hopefully it will have the same effect….

Signing off for now…