Thoughts

I don’t know why I never write on here anymore.

I wish I was still in high school. I miss it more than anyone else I know.

I also hate this cold weather. I wish it was spring and I really wish it was summer. Everyone keeps talking about summer plans and I get excited right along with them but in an instant I remember I no longer get a summer break. I'm bummed out by the fact that my days at the lake or creek, Indian falls, prajna, dive in, late nights out on the deck, wine at Keeneland… all will be limited. I sort of wish that I still worked at the tanning bed. It was such an important part of our summer plans and rituals, it will be odd not to have it this year.

I wish my niece would win her battle with cancer. It just breaks my heart to know that everyday she is struggling even though she somehow finds the strength to keep fighting this war. Keep praying.

When I was in the hospital to see Natalie and her precious new baby boy Boston, the visit struck this feeling in me; how odd it is that all under the same roof people are dying while people are being born. How at the same time and place the two most important things, life and death are taking place. To think about it sends shivers up and down your spine. With that sad God bless that new child and his parents. I am so happy that Natalie made it through.

I have been going to the gym. My biggest goal is to get off my lazy ass up and do something. I want to be fit and tone, however that is just a want. Hopefully Ill stick to it and be a badass body builder. HAHA! In All honesty I would love to be ripped and toned.

I hate my day job. I am bored and annoyed all day long. I want to have a job that I love, that I learn from everyday, that makes me happy, and that I can meet and interact with all kinds of people. If you’re going to spend most of you limited days on this earth working you may as well do something you love.

I hate feeling alone all the time. I wish I were closer to all my friends like how I used to be. When you know they would be there no matter what ever night. I have nothing really to come home to. I'm always trying to find something to do that will fill up my time. It helps me not to remember how much I hate the living situation I'm currently in and how much I wish the old me and life would come back to stay. I would love to drink from that youth fountain in the novel Tuck Everlasting, to be young forever. The fact that we all must age, that I must grow older frightens me.

Awake

As I lay with the dense cool ground beneath me the sweet slumber takes over my soul. For my mind is in a deep imaginary state, experiencing what I desire to be existent. The warmth from the spring sun covers all depths of my body, protecting me. I can feel the presence of a force I've been longing for. Its indulging breath caresses my face, the smell of sweetness follows. My body is beached while my spirit beings to soar. The sensation is uncontrollable, I am not alone. A gentle hand touches mine, holding my delicate palm with much certainty. Turning my head slightly towards the mysterious force, I leisurely open my eyes. I see a figure, exquisite and strong though a stranger to eye. My heart is captivated in an instant. “This is my love” I reassure myself. I feel the cores of our bodies simultaneously beat… we are one…and I am not alone. My heart flies with wings similar to a butterfly, fluttering behind my chest bone. He draws me closer, molding my body against his. I lay my weary head in the curve of his neck. Relief comes over me; I for once know this truth does exist, that I am somehow valuable to feel this power. I am not alone. Comfortable I lay soundly in a precious heaven. In this time I feel significant to someone, to the earth and to this life. I am a beautiful wonder commendable to breathe and to love. The lips of passion then lay tenderly on my forehead but immediately a rush of pulsating horror soon clouds the sky. Panic tears though my skin, my heart that once fluttered now pounds crushing the bones that shelter it. The enchanting figure suddenly beings to fade, our cores began to beat diverse patterns. I spin my head back to the sun, eager to find some source of comfort, closing my eyes to infuse the warmth but it is bitter, frozen and sour against my face. The ground is malleable and hot, I am just now a lifeless mass. Awoken I weep, for awake I am alone.