I want to have a beautiful high rise apartment in a killer city with elegant furniture. I have come across WestElm. They are a store that offers crisp clean accessories so gorgeous that it makes my heart ache.
I JUST BOUGHT MY KINGS OF LEON TICKET. THEY ARE COMING TO RUPP ARENA OCTOBER 10TH. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PUMPED FOR ANYTHING...EVER. HOWEVER ITS FOREVER AWAY AND I JUST WISH I COULD SEE THEM TONIGHT. I HAVE GENERAL ADMISSIONS FLOOR TICKETS. I WILL DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO BE FRONT AND CENTER. A CHANCE TO HAVE MY FINGERS RUNNING THROUGH THEIR HAIR IS A GOD SENT GIFT. IF I HAVE TO HAVE MY BODY CARRIED TO THE FROM BY A MASS OF PEOPLE I WILL!!!!!!!!
Im selling Avon and Mark!!!!I feel pretty crappy today. I believe I have the start of a cold, hopefully. I wouldnt be very pleased if I were Kentucky's first care of the Swine...hopefully not. egh. I am pretty bummed that it is supposed to rain all weekend long. I am off Sunday and would love to go to Sugar Creek. I love summer! Im am not quite sure how I will balance the summer life with all the work that I do. Hopefully I'll be able to pull through it because summer is too sweet to let it pass you by. I wish I were able to see out of a window at the office. I am enclosed by walls which never allows be to see the current situation outside. If I am going to sit behind a desk all day I much rather it be by a window.
On a side note I can NOT believe that Adam was in the bottom 2 last night!!! What is wrong with America?!?!?! He's talented, more than any other contestant on that show.
I went to sleep while watching AI last night. Woke up to turn my tv off just as they anounced who was going home. So I went to bed a little earlier than usual. Now i am beating myself up to stay awak. I wish that my job wasn't so boring. I wish I could go to school...to do what I love. Hoping that somehow, God willing, I will move on soon. I just have to find that money to do so.
I am thinking about selling avon and mark. I love mark! If you begin to sell mark its 40% off for you. Hopefully I can get a little more extra money on the side. I just keep adding more and more on to my work load. but this will be simple and fun. avon/mark is cheap and good all at the same time. I am creating this blog post from my cellular device to see how it works!
On a trip to Starbucks I has randomly selected for a survey, which is always printed out on the receipt. I usually never go online and fill out customer surveys but since I had downtime a work I decided too. It tool nearly 5 minutes and I received a free drink after finishing. So the next time you see the survey on the receipt take the time to fill it out online. You never know what you might end up receiving for you time and business. With it being such a nasty day outside my FREE Starbucks will be an awesome treat. Hopefully there isn't some kind of limit on what your allowed to order...we'll see.
Above is this awesome dress I found On Etsy.com The uniqueness of the image and its placing is fabulous. I will be purchasing this little sun dress for sure. The seller has many more printed articles. Its definitely something to check out!
Here is the sellers URL: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5355674
I want to totally renavate my blog. I want it to be fresh a new and informative. So bare with me as I begin to redo it all!
I always say I need to write but I never do. I am so ready for summer. The thought of summer being so close keeps me going. The thought of putting my feet into Sugar Creek excites me like no other. Or for once being able to sit outside of Main & Maple and watch all of Nicholasville drive by. The calmest I ever feel is laying on the cool ground with the sun kissing my skin as is the good Lord put a blanket overtop of me, feeling in that moment safe and warm. I love that feeling, spring and summer is happiness.
I wish I had an exciting life, where I could tell all the great things that happened in a day’s time but as my days on earth increase they seem more and more uneventful and useless. I need some kind of change. The most recent time I felt alive is when I had a tattoo gun penetrate against my skin. To feel a certain kind of controlled exhilarating pain brings me comfort, to know that I am still human, I still exist, I am still alive. It allows me to breathe heavier, noticeable to the eye, allows my heart to beat hard in the canal of my chest, to pulsate my body allowing the blood rush and pump. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s hard to explain exactly how I feel, how this certain emotion comes over me when lying in a tattoo chair. How I can feel controlled, feel adrenaline, feel pain, feel joy, feel terror… its just an incredible time frame. When I’m done I look at something beautiful, something that means a great deal to me. It also documents those moments when I was lying there; allows me to remember “I am alive”.
Well I'm ready for another one. My new one is beautiful and I can’t wait to add on to it. As soon as the artist was finished I already felt that I owned this orchid…that is was a part of me. I realize that a rib cage tattoo is painful but I am so down and ready for it, however my bank account isn’t. I am not one to get a tattoo just for the hell of it. Its an experience to me, its heartfelt, its endurance and passion… its beautiful.
All though I do realize I might be really crazy. J but that’s okay because I'm just me!
First of all I changed my layout to something more fresh. The warmer weather has got me into a rather awesome mood. I hate the cold; something about it always puts me in a bad mood. Happiness just comes along with spring and summer.
Second of all I am so upset that I dont get to do anything or go anywhere for "spring break" even though I technically dont get a spring break, however I could really use a spring break. All the other kiddos are relaxing and having a great time while I am still stuck in the real world.
Third of all I have had some major problems with my closest friends in the past few days. I wont explain every detail but i would like to talk about my feelings. Its hard when someone talks you down to your face when you know you are doing the best you can. Its also really heard when these people are one minded and feel they are always right. What my 2 best friends said to me stabbed my heart. It was the kind of hurt where you feel your stomach turn and your eyes water. I do the best I can with what I've got and if I cant do something than I just cant. Its not about walking out on them or not wanting to but as bas as I wish it wasnt true I can not afford it physically and mentally. As easy as that is said I still get the beat down, bitching me out as if i had did something majorly wrong. My life in none of anyones business and I am tired of people butting in telling me how to live my life when they can barely live thier own. She is my friend, one of my best friends but I really at this point have no desire to speak or see her for a while. I still hurt and she keeps saying hurtful things when none of it is her place to open her mouth. I realize I keep rambling but Im so done with the bull shit and I work to damn hard to have a college student tell me how to live my life when they have everything spoon feed to them. Im living in the real world and at the end of the day all I have is my self.
Fourth, I was sucked back into old habit a little bit over the weekend. It was just like how it used to be but this time my heart was missing and I was reminded why I had to quit. Not in till the next day when I got word of a accident was I scared. As tears welled in my eyes I realized "damn I still care". Deep down I know that I'll be happier without such habit but its hard when the habit strums your heart.
Fifth, speaking of habit...Im going to try to quit smoking today. I left my 2 cigs in the car which is about a block away from the office. I have a feeling that by lunch I'll be walking over there! But this is my first attempt to quit. I know like all other habits I would feel so much better if I cut it!
I don’t know why I never write on here anymore.
I wish I was still in high school. I miss it more than anyone else I know.
I also hate this cold weather. I wish it was spring and I really wish it was summer. Everyone keeps talking about summer plans and I get excited right along with them but in an instant I remember I no longer get a summer break. I'm bummed out by the fact that my days at the lake or creek, Indian falls, prajna, dive in, late nights out on the deck, wine at Keeneland… all will be limited. I sort of wish that I still worked at the tanning bed. It was such an important part of our summer plans and rituals, it will be odd not to have it this year.
I wish my niece would win her battle with cancer. It just breaks my heart to know that everyday she is struggling even though she somehow finds the strength to keep fighting this war. Keep praying.
When I was in the hospital to see Natalie and her precious new baby boy Boston, the visit struck this feeling in me; how odd it is that all under the same roof people are dying while people are being born. How at the same time and place the two most important things, life and death are taking place. To think about it sends shivers up and down your spine. With that sad God bless that new child and his parents. I am so happy that Natalie made it through.
I have been going to the gym. My biggest goal is to get off my lazy ass up and do something. I want to be fit and tone, however that is just a want. Hopefully Ill stick to it and be a badass body builder. HAHA! In All honesty I would love to be ripped and toned.
I hate my day job. I am bored and annoyed all day long. I want to have a job that I love, that I learn from everyday, that makes me happy, and that I can meet and interact with all kinds of people. If you’re going to spend most of you limited days on this earth working you may as well do something you love.
I hate feeling alone all the time. I wish I were closer to all my friends like how I used to be. When you know they would be there no matter what ever night. I have nothing really to come home to. I'm always trying to find something to do that will fill up my time. It helps me not to remember how much I hate the living situation I'm currently in and how much I wish the old me and life would come back to stay. I would love to drink from that youth fountain in the novel Tuck Everlasting, to be young forever. The fact that we all must age, that I must grow older frightens me.
As I lay with the dense cool ground beneath me the sweet slumber takes over my soul. For my mind is in a deep imaginary state, experiencing what I desire to be existent. The warmth from the spring sun covers all depths of my body, protecting me. I can feel the presence of a force I've been longing for. Its indulging breath caresses my face, the smell of sweetness follows. My body is beached while my spirit beings to soar. The sensation is uncontrollable, I am not alone. A gentle hand touches mine, holding my delicate palm with much certainty. Turning my head slightly towards the mysterious force, I leisurely open my eyes. I see a figure, exquisite and strong though a stranger to eye. My heart is captivated in an instant. “This is my love” I reassure myself. I feel the cores of our bodies simultaneously beat… we are one…and I am not alone. My heart flies with wings similar to a butterfly, fluttering behind my chest bone. He draws me closer, molding my body against his. I lay my weary head in the curve of his neck. Relief comes over me; I for once know this truth does exist, that I am somehow valuable to feel this power. I am not alone. Comfortable I lay soundly in a precious heaven. In this time I feel significant to someone, to the earth and to this life. I am a beautiful wonder commendable to breathe and to love. The lips of passion then lay tenderly on my forehead but immediately a rush of pulsating horror soon clouds the sky. Panic tears though my skin, my heart that once fluttered now pounds crushing the bones that shelter it. The enchanting figure suddenly beings to fade, our cores began to beat diverse patterns. I spin my head back to the sun, eager to find some source of comfort, closing my eyes to infuse the warmth but it is bitter, frozen and sour against my face. The ground is malleable and hot, I am just now a lifeless mass. Awoken I weep, for awake I am alone.
Today marks one year since my Pap has died, I still can’t believe he’s gone. I look back on that day and I get chills, my world in a matter of minutes came crashing down. I love that man more than anybody else in this entire earth. Even though I looked at him like my grandfather, he wasn’t. All he really was was my uncle by marriage. However that didn’t matter he loved me like I was his own, is the only man that has ever loved me the right way. He wasn’t just my uncle or better yet my Pap, he was my dad. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or what to crawl up in his lap like I did every time I saw him. It tears me up inside to know that he wont be there to make it all better. Not just I but the whole family relied on him so much and he did everything with out a single bitter bone in his body.
I miss him more that the sweet warm smell of summer during this brutal and bitter winter. I miss the way he snored so loud it shook the house, I miss the big black blob on his right arm that used to be a tattoo, I miss the way his skin was soft and stretchy, I miss how he called me shorty even though I have always been freakishly tall, I miss how I could call on him when I needed something and how I would never have to worry, I miss sitting in his chair with him, I miss him having the T.V. so loud it made your head hurt, I miss all his gambling stories, poker, racetrack and all, I miss how he always took forever in a day to eat and to open his Christmas presents, I miss how he hated real coffee but always drank instant, I miss him getting mad at us when we were kids, pulling the branch from the tree but never once hit us with it, I miss how he called Nanna never by anything else other than old lady, I miss how he would always have peanut butter crackers in his truck, I miss how he would spend hours figuring up horse racing statistics, I miss how he could fix anything, I miss how he would drive us around telling the same stories over and over, I miss how I felt safe when he was there, I miss how he was the only one who could handle Michael, I miss how he never would let his picture be taking, I miss how he hated Bush, I miss how he would do anything for anybody, I miss how he could go into Wal-Mart for milk and be in there for an hour, I miss how he knew so many people, I miss how he would talk to some one and have no idea who they were, I miss how he took care of my Nanna, I miss how he loved her, I miss how he would show us a card trick but if he messed up he kept doing it over and over till he got it right, I miss how he smiles, how it made his eyes squint, I miss that scared feeling I got when I rode with him in the car, I miss how he loved me, how he loved all of his, I miss how he acted like he hated animals but he secretly loved them, I miss how strong he was physically and emotionally, I miss how he taught me things, I miss how he loved boxing, I miss how he was always cold, I miss how he had his electric blanket on in the middle of summer, I miss how he had to sleep with at least 4 pillows, I miss his dark skin, I miss his blue eyes, I miss his white hair, I miss the blackheads by his left eye that I could never get rid of, I miss all of him and all the things he did.
My heart will never be the same without him. I can barely hold it all together as it is. I always said the day I loose my Pap is the day I’ll loose it completely and I did loose it that day. Within a year I have regained most of me back but there is still a piece of me gone, hopefully with him. I have always been afraid of death but now not so much, because I know that will be the day that I’ll get to see, in flesh the most important person in my life.
Make sure you always say I love you to the ones who mean the most to you. Make sure that if something was to happen you’ll let them leave without feeling guilty or regretful. In a split second life can change. Pap died that day in the shed. Trying to fix his truck because it wouldn’t start to make sure he picked up Nanna from work in time. In an instant your deepest part of your heart and soul can be ripped out. So live life knowing that it can and will all change, cherish ever single moment, look, touch, word, and breath, capture it and keep it in jar, to hold on to forever.
Okay it’s been forever since I've posted any kind of blog post. It’s been needed though. I feel that if I get all my thoughts, problems, ideas, and concerns on paper (or webpage) that I feel some what relieved and anew.
I have stuck to the changes I have made thus far. I never considered these changes as New Years Resolution till just now but I guess they are. I am proud for being the strop and independent individual I knew I have always been cut out to be. Noticing your strength I believe gives you the determination to do better, be more.
I have been going to church recently. It’s the only day out of the week I look forward to. It gives me the ability to start a new week fresh. I have this constant desire now to be a better person; to let God be in full control of my life. To not worry about things at all but to know and believe that God will take care of every fireball thrown at my way. I become stronger and more alive each service. I have figured out that along with the bad decisions, I have made good ones that would have traumatized my life drastically if I were to have taken the other path. When I thought for so long that all hope was lost, I realized that I wasn’t as bad off…it could always be worse and if it wasn’t this than it would be something else.
However even knowing that God is all around me, by me with every move, I still feel greatly alone. I want to find that guy that I have always dreamed about. I want to feel like I matter to someone and not just them mattering to me. This whole relationship is a two way thing and ever single relationship that ever mattered to me was all me… I was the only one caring or fighting. It was as if I were at war with myself rather than the other person; pushing myself to see how long it would take before I break. I give up on the hunting, the wishing, and the praying. I'm just going to let God throw me a suitable lad on my doorstep. I’ll start to feel like I'm getting the vibe from someone, like thinking “hey I could see myself with him…he a good guy…this could work” but figuring out I was totally wrong. It’s a sucky feeling to say the least. It shouldn’t be this hard but nothing in life really is supposed to be. I believe that times are only hard because we begin to loose faith, loose the bigger picture: the idea that one day none of this will matter and how we worked so hard through out mortal life will pay off… All the troubles won’t matter…all the bad relationships, the fights, the heartbreaking times…wont matter. So I don’t regret spending all that time on that stupid pig-headed low life that never cared the way I did because in the end it won’t matter. I thank God for that everyday, to know that all these bad times I've had in the past wont effect my eternal happiness. That I’ll never have to feel that way ever again, nor will I ever think about these subjects of sadness. Anyway, God will bring me the love of my life when I am ready. I just wish that I wouldn’t feel so alone all the time. I'm just asking to find someone that won’t judge me, listen to all the words I say even if they might not be important. I don’t want to have to feel like I'm always working at the relationship… well you always have to work at a relationship I just don’t want to feel like I'm the one always trying, fighting, doing the work. I want it to come easy not to feel like its being forced. For once I want to be taken care of rather than me taking care of him. Last I for once want to feel worthy of a relationship, worthy to have someone, worthy to have the best. Knowing you are something and feeling you are something are two different things. It’s like I know I am loved but I want to feel loved or I know I am hungry because I haven’t ate in days but I want to feel hungry. Its two totally different things.
Okay enough about my loneliness. I still have an addiction to shoes. It’s unhealthy because I'm beginning to rely on a new pair of shoes to bring me happiness. It’s sad to think that the only time I'm absolutely happy is when I'm at the checkout stand with a new box of fabulous untouched shoes in my hand. No one should rely on materialistic items to bring emotion. One of my wise friends told me this:
First you should never let anything materialistic become between you and someone, that’s dumb
Second, you need to find something that doesn’t decrease your bank account for no reason except to make you feel better. Things should not make you happy, going home to your puppy and seeing the little tail wag out of excitement should make your feel better not seeing a $200 pair of shoes on your feet and plus, face it, sooner or later you will run out of room in your closet lets be honest
The things you already have in your life should give you joy. If you keep wanting and wanting more, you will never be happy with what your have it’s petty that you have to find happiness in a new pair of shoes.It’s not something to be proud of, but it is what it is, and you can and need to change the way it is.
So with that said I'm going to look at my shoes, wear them, but not buy them….well at least not buy a new pair everyday. I'm also going to turn my shoe-a-day calendar, looking at the new shoe as if I were buying it. Hopefully it will have the same effect….
Signing off for now…
