I hate when I have really bad Mondays, it’s foreshadowing the coming up week. I've had a rough couple of days; look at me wrong and tears will begin to well up in my eyes. I'm at this point where I am unhappy…everyday.
I have so many thoughts running through my head I can’t keep them straight.
My dad is a low life and if it wasn’t for my nieces I would disown him like he disowned my sister and I when we were babies.
I hate my job…I just really want to do what makes me happy.
I wish I had money for school…
I wish I didn’t feel so freakin alone
I wish for change….of any kind. I've been in this same pattern for so long I can hardly stand it.
I don’t understand why I let my dad get to me. He’s the same asshole he’s always been but yet I keep thinking maybe he will change.
Its days like these where I really miss my Pap. I try to remember him, recall some of the memories he shared but all I keep thinking about is him laying in that casket with my hands on his hard cold chest and felling my knees give out as I hit the floor, screaming for some kind of relief from all the pain. I wish that wasn’t what I thought about each time I think about my Pap. I love him more that anything in this world and I knew he loved me like I was really his granddaughter or daughter for that matter.
I don’t know anymore… I understand we learn from all the things we go through in life but is all this heart wrenching pain necessary? I just wish God would give me some kind of answer. I'm beginning to loose faith…on everything. I feel like I am just space taking up a fraction of this dying earth. I want to make a difference. I want to make my life worth while but it seems the only way to accomplish any of that you must have money…I don’t have money.
I know that Makayla will pass very soon. I also know that when this happens I loose it completely. I'm not sure if I can prepare myself for loosing her. Is there anyway you can prepare yourself for the death of a loved one, let alone a child? I pray god gives me strength…more than usual.
I feel like I'm half here, the rest of my body in pieces while the reaming half beings to chip away. It’s hard to feel yourself crumble with no idea how to stop it from happening, to keep whole. Pray, pray everyday for my low life dad, more my beautiful fighting niece, and for myself, who keeps trying to find the light.
I have so many thoughts running through my head I can’t keep them straight.
My dad is a low life and if it wasn’t for my nieces I would disown him like he disowned my sister and I when we were babies.
I hate my job…I just really want to do what makes me happy.
I wish I had money for school…
I wish I didn’t feel so freakin alone
I wish for change….of any kind. I've been in this same pattern for so long I can hardly stand it.
I don’t understand why I let my dad get to me. He’s the same asshole he’s always been but yet I keep thinking maybe he will change.
Its days like these where I really miss my Pap. I try to remember him, recall some of the memories he shared but all I keep thinking about is him laying in that casket with my hands on his hard cold chest and felling my knees give out as I hit the floor, screaming for some kind of relief from all the pain. I wish that wasn’t what I thought about each time I think about my Pap. I love him more that anything in this world and I knew he loved me like I was really his granddaughter or daughter for that matter.
I don’t know anymore… I understand we learn from all the things we go through in life but is all this heart wrenching pain necessary? I just wish God would give me some kind of answer. I'm beginning to loose faith…on everything. I feel like I am just space taking up a fraction of this dying earth. I want to make a difference. I want to make my life worth while but it seems the only way to accomplish any of that you must have money…I don’t have money.
I know that Makayla will pass very soon. I also know that when this happens I loose it completely. I'm not sure if I can prepare myself for loosing her. Is there anyway you can prepare yourself for the death of a loved one, let alone a child? I pray god gives me strength…more than usual.
I feel like I'm half here, the rest of my body in pieces while the reaming half beings to chip away. It’s hard to feel yourself crumble with no idea how to stop it from happening, to keep whole. Pray, pray everyday for my low life dad, more my beautiful fighting niece, and for myself, who keeps trying to find the light.
1 comments:
Nicole,
I’m so sorry that you are in such a painful place. Sometimes life just seems so unfair, I know this first hand. But along the way of all the unfairness I’ve learned a valuable lesson. Above everything, love.
It doesn’t take money to be happy. I thought for a long time that it did, but now I know better. I was as poor as poor can be, raising two kids on my own - most of the time wondering if we were going to make it, but we did. God grew us in ways I never imagined. He made us strong and he gave us love. When we had nothing in the way of material possessions we had each other, and we loved each other.
You can’t focus on your father, he will disappoint you every single time. I honestly believe that he can’t help himself. Focus on your mom and Alison. You have a bond with them that no one else can know. Your mom has sacrificed a lot for the two of you, she loves you more than you can imagine. Focus on her, give all of your heart to her. Maybe someday Michael will come around, maybe he’ll need you. If that day comes, then give him a piece of your heart. In the meantime, protect it by giving it to those who will give you something in return.
Focus on MaKayla, Madison and Molly. Give them your heart. They certainly deserve it. Love Makayla as much and as often as you can. Let her know that she means the world to you. And don’t be sad for her. If Jesus calls her home, her pain will be over. She will be happy – running around in heaven waiting for the rest of us to get there. She will get to know her sweet brothers and your pap, and my Christy. The pain that we feel is for our loss, not for the ones who are in Paradise.
Most of all Nicole, love yourself. You and a beautiful, wonderful creation of the Father. He loves you, even more than your mom loves you. He made you, he made you for a purpose. Just let Him work that purpose out in you. You’re a beautiful girl, don’t expect too much too soon. Allow yourself time to grow. And along the way, love.
Julie
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