Crazy Day.

You know when you wake up in the morning and you have that feeling that lets you know today is going to be a doosie? Well today is that day. Its like I knew last night that it was going to crazy. In an hour Ive downed 3 cups of coffee...if i could i would have 2 cigs for each cup. There are all sorts of people coming in the office this morning. Which leaves me to run around figuring out where they go...crazy to say the least. On top of this chaos I have all these feeling running through me. My thoughts are catching me off guard and causing me to collapse. If God gives me the strength to make it through one more day I owe him more than all I have.

How can one three hour period make you feel so violated, dirty, and used? I can barley hold it together. The thought makes my skin crawl. I have no control over these feelings. There are these moments where Im about to break. I dont know how I feel exactly, Im just emotional wreck today. Praying for some kind of release. With all these people here I feel like Im just plastic. Smiling when inside, my world is crumbling. Im scared and sad, hopeful and hopeless. I feel it all but now I feel mostly violated, dirty, and used. Its a weird feeling to have but I seriously feel like I could bathe 100 times and still not be clean. There is no real reason I feel this way, nothing I havent done many times before and nor should this event create these feelings. Today is different however maybe because I know more now than I knew then. Maybe because these little tidbits of info have been eating at my brain and my heart worse that any infection I could ever possibly have.

Here is me screaming in an empty dark desert, right before the only rain, wind caressing every inch of me....I am the calm before the storm, and this moment right now is the peace before i break. I can feel it rise within me, the inner war. Its here and Im fighting.