Love

This here is my life! The ones that I love the most. My most favorite thing in this world is getting lovin from by 3 best girls. Mollie, Makayla, & Madison. We had a full fledged photoshoot the other night, here are just 3 of the pictures. Please visit my facebook to see all the pictures.

Smile because you can. I have learned that even with tears in your eyes you must smile, it makes the toughest of times much easier. There is just something about a child that makes your faith a little stronger and let you believe in all impossible. This is love to me. Rather its a night playing a game with my nieces, are getting dressed up to have dinner with all the girls, a sunny day at Kenneland, the first drop of spring rain, a homemade birthday cake, fishing at the creek...its not the money or my new car or clothes or shoes but its these simple things that I love, that makes my life complete!

Thoughtful Tuesday

I have had so much on my mind lately. I keep thinking about all the choices I have made, trying to find the sense in it all. Thinking of the moments I dont want to be reminded of. Feelings I have locked in a box for so long.

Last night for the first time I felt the fear of loosing Makayla. I was watching last weeks episode of Grey's anatomy that i had on dvr. This child not much younger than Makayla suffering through her last moments. It a heart string, I completely realized that this will, one day soon be Kayla. Im not sure if I'll ever understand. I just want to know how God chooses between two helpless children; which one deserves a miracle? Which one comes home? I just wish I knew his intentions and why do these poor innocent children suffer. Why can't this battle happen to me; Someone who see's more sad unsatisfying days than happy ones but not to a child who has life, who has absolute carefree happiness. Thats the way it needs it be, the way its supposed to. I just wish I knew....just wish I knew...

Even though hard times are on my home front some have it even harder. http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

This blog is about a baby who has never seen nor felt natural beaming warm light. I have realized that Kayla, even if there is the possibility that her life will be cut short, has had a chance to learn, to love, to run around in the yard, to feel the sun against her cheek as this tiny gift lays helplessly. The Freeman family is suffering more than anyone I know. I have donated today an amount of money to help them hold on to some type of faith, to feel a small amount of warmth in a cold reality. It wasnt much but its a start. One day I believe that we will find a cure for all these diseases that affect God's children. For they are this worlds only hope to survive.

Take a moment today to be thankful for what you have. Also take a moment to pray for all these children who suffer, who are scared, who fight. Also remember the families, that are more scared than the child that stands before them.

I pray each day that God grants Makayla a miracle. A chance to experience what life can really give us. That one day she will win her battle with cancer, that the war will stop but she wont surrender. I pray for every young life that suffers.

There just has to be way....to make this stop...

April 23rd

Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. ~Jean Paul Richter

I am thinking about selling avon and mark. I love mark! If you begin to sell mark its 40% off for you. Hopefully I can get a little more extra money on the side. I just keep adding more and more on to my work load. but this will be simple and fun. avon/mark is cheap and good all at the same time. I am creating this blog post from my cellular device to see how it works!

Another Year

Its hard to believe that my birthday is tomorrow. I look back on the previous year and see all the changes my life has made. If I could go back I would do it in a heart beat. I want to feel alive again. Now I just sit at this desk everyday wondering when God will give me a break. As everyone knows I miss high school, I miss the carefree of it all. I felt like when I were to graduate in less than two months I would find my purpose. Now I feel I am living a life for which I have stuck myself in. Something I cant walk away from for I will not survive but a place that brings as much happiness to me as headache. How do you find the resources to do what you love when there are none. I have no other option, I must work. Even now I make more money than anyone else my age but I still dont have enough to do anything I remotely want to do in life. I strive for change and I have been stuck in this pattern for longer than 6 months. Im dying inside, dying a unhappy person. We are all dying each day is one day closer to our death. It scares me because I have no idea when my last day is and I am afraid that i wont get to experience the things I want to do, to make a difference in this world.

To me a birthday is just another year. Now its not a celebration but a reminder that is another wasted year. Another 365 days that I spent most of them uphappy, because I'm here, and sitting in behind this desk is NOT where I want to be. I hope some major changes happen to me in the 19th year on the world, good changes.

On the bright side of sitting at a front desk for 10 hours a day its Administrative Professionals Day which means we get FREE lunch at Malones and pretty flowers!

The Way I See It # 21

People need to see that, far away from being an obstacle, the world's diversity of languages, religion and traditions is great treasure, affording up precious opportunities to recognize ourselves in others.

--Youssou N'Dour

Musician

Winter is BACK

Its currently snowing like crazy outside....total CRAP. Hopefully tomorrow is the start of our final warm up from winter temps, if we are lucky.

I am going to Florida with my dads side of the family the first part of May. Its Makayla's wish to go to the beach and find seashells. Im super excited that i get to spend good quality time with her and my other two nieces. It will be a nice vaca as well. Anytime I get to escape from reality is much needed and appreciated. I hope Makayla has a fantastic time when we go. I also hope her health is good and does hinder her vacation.

I wish I had the money to get a really nice camera. I want to take beautiful pictures throughout this short time we have. I want there to be so many captured memories as if she had lived to be 100 years old. I also want to have good pictures to remind me everyday why we are here on this earth, that there is higher reason, and how we have only this one chance to make our lives worth the space each of us take up. I want to look at them and be reminded of what true happiness is, what true pain is, what true sadness is, and what true faith is. I want others to be able to see those images many years from now and be inspired. To give motivation to find a cure, to never give up hope that one day cancer will be cured as if it was just a common cold. That's my prayer, my hope.

On the brighter side of things.

As most know my birthday is coming very soon! As I do every year, I'm having a Keeneland outing. I can’t tell you how much I love my birthday! It becomes a sudden fact that summer is so close you can taste it. Keeneland’s spring meet always falls on my birthday. There is just something about those warmer days, in a cotton dress, amongst all varieties of people in the stands, the smell of beer, the pounding of you heart when the Thoroughbreds race out of the gate, the sick excited feeling when your bet becomes reality as each tired horse runs across the finish line that makes me so happy. I really can’t wait! I have already ordered my birthday Keeneland dress…it stole my heart at first sight! I ordered it off the internet, fingers crossed that its fits and looks decent.

Short Thought

Sometimes I find myself in a daze where I forget to breath, suddenly thinking to “okay how long since I've inhaled?”

My step sister wrote on Makayla’s journal that “We are only borrowed” and how true that is. We all belong to God and he lends us to the earth; here is where we become heaven worthy. Makayla is worthy; I on the other hand have days where I struggle.

I have so many emotions and don’t know how to sort through them all.

......

The doctors stopped Makayla chemo today...

This is it.

Change the world

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. "

~ Jack Kerouac

I started filling out my Peace Corp application today!

Pray for Kayla today, they have moved her MRI up.

Start of the weekend.

Friday after noon I went to watch the East Jessamine High School talent show. I am just a sucker for raw talent. This one young man wrote and sung with this awesome R&B song. You can tell he really thought about his word choice, he put his heart into those verses. When I see any young individual create something that listen worthy it gives me chill bumps. Its one thing if you can produce music but can you make it? Raw talent is inside of you its not anything you can learn. Listening and seeing this young folks excite me. One young lady signed a gospel song, brought tears to my eyes. Music its beautiful even if you cant hear it. The sight of the passion she had with each sign she made was heart whelming. She received first place along with another couple who preformed their own version of a Mary J Blige song. The young lady created her own piano arrangement and played to to perfection. The amazing raw talent I seen absolutely made my day.

Okay has many Kentucky fans know Mr. Billy G received his pink slip, got the dismissal. I was eating at Malones last night. My friend Sarah is an employee there; she receives 40% off for her whole party, we also receive free dessert...its a expensive meal for half the price! Anyway she mentioned how Billy G is always there at the bar. I expresses how I doubt he'll be joining us Kentuckians tonight. Id be damned if he didn't have the balls to walk through that door!!!! He meet an older man for dinner. I wanted to take a picture to post to see if anybody maybe knew who he was, however the mood lighting was too dark.

Well I have tendinitis in my foot. It hurts really bad!!! I hate that Im missing work considering how much I love working at the dress shop. I decided to stay off my foot like the doctor prescribed at my dads house. I figured I would be able to see my nieces! Makayla is not doing good today. She had a really bad seizure yesterday which is causing her to have seizure activity today. Please pray for her. Some days are harder than others but we shall keep fighting.

Support the fight against cancer

One of my greatest fears was always ether getting cancer or someone close to me getting it. Its a devastating idea and reality is even more gruesome. My 9 year old niece has been battling cancer for a little over a year now. Its heartbreaks to lay eyes on a tired sick child, however Makayla has never lost the light in her eyes. Shes an absolute firecracker and smart as a tack. She knows as well as all of us that she might not make it but the 5% chance she holds on to, keeps fighting a little harder everyday.

Heres a little information on what kind of cancer she has:

Cancer: Glioblastoma

Affects: The brain

Definition:A fast-growing type of central nervous system tumor that forms from glial (supportive) tissue of the brain and spinal cord and has cells that look very different from normal cells. Glioblastoma usually occurs in adults and affects the brain more often than the spinal cord. Also called GBM, glioblastoma multiforme, and grade IV astrocytoma.

Only about one out of every four patients with this type of tumor survives two years

Makayla like I said is only 9 and her cancer has moved to her spinal cord. Slowly but surely this monster is eating her alive. Cancer can happen to anyone, no matter what age, male or female, or what you did growing up. Until we find a cure this simple disease will complicate so many lives, bringing death and pain.

Maykala is a patient at St. Jude Childerns Hospital in Memphis. There she can get the treatment and attention she needs without paying a dime. They are fantastic people. The organization, I feel was our only source of hope, to help her get better. St. Jude is that single ray of light you see in the darkest places. So if your feeling you giving and want to donate pick St. Jude. If people keeps donating then the more lives they can save and the futher they can come to finding a cure for Makayla and all others.

Makayla has a webpage. Be sure to visit her and sign her guest book!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/makaylacorrell

Bust a Cap

As everyone knows there has been talk about banning Americans to bare arms....or in other words keeping all them G's from carrying their ninas. In all and all this is a serious matter. Just think how much safer our country would be without them but honestly it shows that however far America has come we are still fucking stupid. How many more idiots out there use guns in violent childish antics...too many. Whatever happened to poor Billy Bob keeping his gun hung neatly on his gun rack in the back of his old beat up ford truck, hoping to shoot some meat for dinner before returning home after school? Banning guns in my opinion is smart, it would be an effective way to change however, its sicking to think that the human race has become so ugly and monster like. Im still waiting for somebody to take me to the damn range and shoot a bad ass gun. I just say keeps guns in ranges woods but off the streets. One of my friends is a hunter so I decided to bring up the issue. More and more each day after seeing how people here in the states act, a little piece of the American in me is gone. Eventually one day I shall move to an exotic far away place, where the sea creatures shall be my innocent friends.

FREEEE

I LOVE free things, like most people due. I know this brilliant lady who is a couponer. It is a hobby you must be completely devoted to...I envy her. After reading her blogs about all her savings I couldn't believe it! I have no skill in couponing but I did receive a free Starbucks coupon.

On a trip to Starbucks I has randomly selected for a survey, which is always printed out on the receipt. I usually never go online and fill out customer surveys but since I had downtime a work I decided too. It tool nearly 5 minutes and I received a free drink after finishing. So the next time you see the survey on the receipt take the time to fill it out online. You never know what you might end up receiving for you time and business. With it being such a nasty day outside my FREE Starbucks will be an awesome treat. Hopefully there isn't some kind of limit on what your allowed to order...we'll see.

Above is this awesome dress I found On Etsy.com The uniqueness of the image and its placing is fabulous. I will be purchasing this little sun dress for sure. The seller has many more printed articles. Its definitely something to check out!
Here is the sellers URL: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5355674

New and Fresh

I want to totally renavate my blog. I want it to be fresh a new and informative. So bare with me as I begin to redo it all!

Rainy Day

I always say I need to write but I never do. I am so ready for summer. The thought of summer being so close keeps me going. The thought of putting my feet into Sugar Creek excites me like no other. Or for once being able to sit outside of Main & Maple and watch all of Nicholasville drive by. The calmest I ever feel is laying on the cool ground with the sun kissing my skin as is the good Lord put a blanket overtop of me, feeling in that moment safe and warm. I love that feeling, spring and summer is happiness.

I wish I had an exciting life, where I could tell all the great things that happened in a day’s time but as my days on earth increase they seem more and more uneventful and useless. I need some kind of change. The most recent time I felt alive is when I had a tattoo gun penetrate against my skin. To feel a certain kind of controlled exhilarating pain brings me comfort, to know that I am still human, I still exist, I am still alive. It allows me to breathe heavier, noticeable to the eye, allows my heart to beat hard in the canal of my chest, to pulsate my body allowing the blood rush and pump. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s hard to explain exactly how I feel, how this certain emotion comes over me when lying in a tattoo chair. How I can feel controlled, feel adrenaline, feel pain, feel joy, feel terror… its just an incredible time frame. When I’m done I look at something beautiful, something that means a great deal to me. It also documents those moments when I was lying there; allows me to remember “I am alive”.

Well I'm ready for another one. My new one is beautiful and I can’t wait to add on to it. As soon as the artist was finished I already felt that I owned this orchid…that is was a part of me. I realize that a rib cage tattoo is painful but I am so down and ready for it, however my bank account isn’t. I am not one to get a tattoo just for the hell of it. Its an experience to me, its heartfelt, its endurance and passion… its beautiful.

All though I do realize I might be really crazy. J but that’s okay because I'm just me!

Spring!

First of all I changed my layout to something more fresh. The warmer weather has got me into a rather awesome mood. I hate the cold; something about it always puts me in a bad mood. Happiness just comes along with spring and summer.

Second of all I am so upset that I dont get to do anything or go anywhere for "spring break" even though I technically dont get a spring break, however I could really use a spring break. All the other kiddos are relaxing and having a great time while I am still stuck in the real world.

Third of all I have had some major problems with my closest friends in the past few days. I wont explain every detail but i would like to talk about my feelings. Its hard when someone talks you down to your face when you know you are doing the best you can. Its also really heard when these people are one minded and feel they are always right. What my 2 best friends said to me stabbed my heart. It was the kind of hurt where you feel your stomach turn and your eyes water. I do the best I can with what I've got and if I cant do something than I just cant. Its not about walking out on them or not wanting to but as bas as I wish it wasnt true I can not afford it physically and mentally. As easy as that is said I still get the beat down, bitching me out as if i had did something majorly wrong. My life in none of anyones business and I am tired of people butting in telling me how to live my life when they can barely live thier own. She is my friend, one of my best friends but I really at this point have no desire to speak or see her for a while. I still hurt and she keeps saying hurtful things when none of it is her place to open her mouth. I realize I keep rambling but Im so done with the bull shit and I work to damn hard to have a college student tell me how to live my life when they have everything spoon feed to them. Im living in the real world and at the end of the day all I have is my self.

Fourth, I was sucked back into old habit a little bit over the weekend. It was just like how it used to be but this time my heart was missing and I was reminded why I had to quit. Not in till the next day when I got word of a accident was I scared. As tears welled in my eyes I realized "damn I still care". Deep down I know that I'll be happier without such habit but its hard when the habit strums your heart.

Fifth, speaking of habit...Im going to try to quit smoking today. I left my 2 cigs in the car which is about a block away from the office. I have a feeling that by lunch I'll be walking over there! But this is my first attempt to quit. I know like all other habits I would feel so much better if I cut it!

Thoughts

I don’t know why I never write on here anymore.

I wish I was still in high school. I miss it more than anyone else I know.

I also hate this cold weather. I wish it was spring and I really wish it was summer. Everyone keeps talking about summer plans and I get excited right along with them but in an instant I remember I no longer get a summer break. I'm bummed out by the fact that my days at the lake or creek, Indian falls, prajna, dive in, late nights out on the deck, wine at Keeneland… all will be limited. I sort of wish that I still worked at the tanning bed. It was such an important part of our summer plans and rituals, it will be odd not to have it this year.

I wish my niece would win her battle with cancer. It just breaks my heart to know that everyday she is struggling even though she somehow finds the strength to keep fighting this war. Keep praying.

When I was in the hospital to see Natalie and her precious new baby boy Boston, the visit struck this feeling in me; how odd it is that all under the same roof people are dying while people are being born. How at the same time and place the two most important things, life and death are taking place. To think about it sends shivers up and down your spine. With that sad God bless that new child and his parents. I am so happy that Natalie made it through.

I have been going to the gym. My biggest goal is to get off my lazy ass up and do something. I want to be fit and tone, however that is just a want. Hopefully Ill stick to it and be a badass body builder. HAHA! In All honesty I would love to be ripped and toned.

I hate my day job. I am bored and annoyed all day long. I want to have a job that I love, that I learn from everyday, that makes me happy, and that I can meet and interact with all kinds of people. If you’re going to spend most of you limited days on this earth working you may as well do something you love.

I hate feeling alone all the time. I wish I were closer to all my friends like how I used to be. When you know they would be there no matter what ever night. I have nothing really to come home to. I'm always trying to find something to do that will fill up my time. It helps me not to remember how much I hate the living situation I'm currently in and how much I wish the old me and life would come back to stay. I would love to drink from that youth fountain in the novel Tuck Everlasting, to be young forever. The fact that we all must age, that I must grow older frightens me.