Christmas Eve

So its Christmas eve and i have just returned from my dad's. So many things have been going on that i havent had a chance to write on my blog. This is probably the worst Christmas I have even had. First of all going to my dad's I see my niece who has terminal cancer, living through her most likely last Christmas. My heart breaks as i look at her. To see a bright young girl holding on each day with ever glimpse of hope. To know that she is living the hardest time of her life at such a young age. Its the hardest thing I will ever have to see, mainly bc i love that little girl so much. I always tell my nieces that I love them all the way to heaven and back. I cant believe that one day soon my love will have to travel all the way to heaven to reach her. Also this is my first Christmas with out my Pap. He is the only man that has ever loved me. He was and still is my most favorite person in the whole entire world. It just wont be the same. We would always make fun of him because he took FOREVER opening his presents. This year with him gone the presents are going to fly open and we wont have to wait on him. Now I wish I were able to wait because it made the special moment of Christmas last longer. I just wish all the good moments lasted longer. I got stuck in the mud today and it was so hard because if it happened just a year ago all i would have to do was call Pap to come get me out. I called my dad to come help me but like with everything he was aggravated and I didnt feel like he wanted to help me at all, like i was a burden. Pap would have been there with a smile on him face, he would have made it simple and easy. Last my little dog Izzy is very sick, dying in fact. She's the biggest part of our home. My mom its crying constantly and my sister is also very upset. I have to take her to the vet Friday, by myself because nor mom or my sister wants to be there. The will most likely put her to sleep. I will be there by myself because Im the only one who is strong enough to do it. I will then have to take her body and bury it...by myself. I dont think Im up to it but I know I have to. Christmas sucks.

Better week.

This has certainly been a better week than the last. I have this whole new out look on my life. I change major change! Its such a good time to feel like this. We are living during a major time in history; I feel that with the new year ahead everything will be changing. Our country, our world, our ideas, or opinions, are changing. Obama is about to change so much that has went downhill and as my surrounding change i want to change with it.

Christmas is here! I like the holidays mainly because it a time where you see everyone you've haven't seen in a while. I'm curious to see when "our group" gets together if it will be different or if it'll will be like no one ever left for college.

On that note...I miss high school more and more each day. It seems that life is not as exciting and crazy as it was back in the day. I've only been graduated for 6 months and it seems like its been a lifetime ago when I used to walk those halls. I always hated the drama of high school but now it seems so small compared to my bigger drama these days. I thought that the moment I walked across that stage with a diploma in hand I would life the life I've always wanted to. I knew I would have to work for my "dream life" but i didn't think it would be this difficult. I've always pictured my dream to be withing fingertips away but now it seems it will take longer...much longer. I have however changed my plans some. I am working full time which I wasn't planning and I want to do a 27 month term in the Peace Corp before I start school. Besides working full time, i like this plan so much more. I feel that the life I have planned out will fulfill me entirely, giving me happiness and satisfaction.

A new week ahead...

First of all I feel like I haven't wrote on my blog in forever. Its something I feel I need to do. Its just hard some days finding the time. I have dyed my hair again this weekend. I love it! I'm not sure if its the actual color that I love but the excitement of something new and fresh that i love even more. My life thrives on change....positive change that is. I love change, it makes me so happy....kind of like shoes. Sometimes I wonder how out of control can I let my shoe obsession get before it comes a problem. I had decided that I needed to find happiness in something else rather than a person...I have found bliss but they're materialistic items. When i buy a new pair of shoes I'm the happiest person alive. Its like someone cut the light on in my dark and sad world. My mom laughs at me for this shoe obsession but honestly its the best kind of happy Ive felt in a long time.

I miss high school so much. I miss feeling alive. I felt so alive each day i entered that building. Wither I was depressed or on an all time high,I felt alive; rather than this dead and uselessness I feel now. Being in high school it allowed me to feel raw emotion. As terrifying as those feeling felt its better than this funk I've been in lately. It was a life worth living. Plus i miss my friends. All of them. Its not how it used to be at all and I would give up everything I have at this moment in life to relive my senior year, for it was by far the best year of my life.

I was talking to Kourt, Des, and Brit last night about our future plans for our lives. When i really sit down and think about my life I pretty much know what I want to do and when. Here is an idea of my goals I have.

In 2 years join the peace corp. which is a term of 27 months straight.
Come back go to beauty school.
Move to a big city (Chicago hopefully)
Be an awesome hardcore stylist and bar tend at a trendy glamorous club/bar
Get married when I'm 30 and have kids shortly after.

It might be a little far fetched but that's my dream life and I'll do everything in my power to get there...exactly where i want to be

Dead

Well this had been by far the one of the worst weeks Ive had in a long time. Everything seems to be falling apart. I find myself feeling dead. I'm trying to find something to bring me back to life. Ive been so upset all week. I need a break. some kind of getaway or something. Its like my days are longer and my nights are never ending. I don't even know who I am anymore. So unsatisfied with my life right now. All i know is this is not who i wanted to be. I need something new and exciting...I just feel like I have to get out of this horrid place before I can find it. I'm not at the point in my life where I can. I just want to, somehow be happy. Thanks all I want...I just want to feel alive again.

Just another Monday

First of all I love the holidays! I'm extremely excited about Christmas this year. However i keep picturing me in a big city captivated by all the season spirits. I wish i were there. The thought of it just makes me quite happy and satisfied. I also love shopping, buying gifts for everybody. I honestly think I get more excited about black Friday than I do Thanksgiving. Its just a fantastic that I wouldn't ever miss. Hoping that every ones Thanksgiving weekend was splendid. Mine was alright. Many things were different, especially my Pap being gone. I tired not to think about it much which is so hard because he's always been apart of everything i can ever remember in my life. I miss him more that I would miss food or water. He was the one person i loved unconditionally, he loved me as if I was his own... that meant the world.

There comes a point in life where you have no idea what to do. Im praying for answers but where I look Im still lost. I need some guidance, some one who wont judge me to tell me what to do. How can someone ask you to give up the only good thing you have left? Not even knowing if you'll get what you what in the end but it being the only way. Where do i go from here? Do i fight with losing the biggest part of my self in the process or do I walk away losing the biggest love in my life. I'm standing at a fork in the road 2 paths to choice from and i just dont know which one to take.

I hate mondays! Its like you have to get through another week. I cant have any relief or sanity intill the weekend, on mondays that seem so far away.

Stuck

... And after all of this Im still feeling lost and alone. There comes these days where Im numb to you. I cant feel pain or happiness Im just filled with this terrifying anger. I think now I hate you more than I love you. A hate that controls me, my every being. I want this to be easy but you always make it hard. Im a shell washing up to the shore and you are the vigorous sea that pushes me to firmer ground but in an instant you pull me back out. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, you play your games with me as I just wait for the day were I'll be rescued. Rescued by a hand that will hold me safe and securely in their palm, loving thy as if I was the glorious waters that you were. I feel as if my heart is a bomb and every beat is a tick, waiting to explode, to destroy all of me. There are these times where i have these unbearable cravings to be next to you. My skin begins to crawl as if deadly spiders covered every inch of my flesh. My heart begins to race, pulsating my entire body, visible to the eye and I am unable, in that moment to breathe. Looking down at my frail vulnerable body, for the first time I feel, see, and touch the million knives you left in me. I take my hand and wrap it around each handle and I begin to pull them, bracing myself as each one hits the floor. I take my bloody hands and lay them perfectly on your chest, take one more look into those eyes, then I begin to fight. I am within 3 seconds a warrior fighting for his own. Noo matter my strength or the use of all my weapons you fight, pushing me back 5 times harder. As I scream your name, close enough to you that I can feel your eased breath but you dont notice me. As I look into those worry less calming eyes, speaking with a shrieking cry, yearning to touch your skin, I am unable. You look straight ahead with a single force of your hand in front of you; as if you were a stone statue standing in the middle of the desert with one hand upon my delicate shoulder. As if cement ingulfed my feet, I can not move forward nor walk away. I am stuck under your indulging power... I am stuck.

Good Morning!

I have to say first that I am super excited about this week! I love Thanksgiving! Its like the kick off of the holidays. I love not only the food but the SHOPPING! Im pumped that the holiday is here.

Oh what a weekend! The old Nicole came back for a small visit. I think she'd been gone so long she couldn't control herself. haha! Friday night was crazy but I needed a little crazy, it made life exciting for one night.

I am ready for change. I want to be able to feel alive again. I feel so dull, like Im just here taking up space. Where do I go to find change? Im limited to what i have to work with. I have to work, so Im forced with time for change. There are some aspects of my life that i love and wouldn't want any differently but with those there comes the life Im tired of living.

What needs the most change is my love life I guess you could say. Im so done talking about him and having to explain how i feel. I love him more that life its self but i almost feel as if i need something new. Dont get me wrong, I think that if our relationship was perfect, exactly how I've always wanted it, than it would be new and exciting every day. I cant seem to pick the pieces up off the floor; either to put them back together or to throw them away.

Is this week over yet?

Sorry I havent had a chance to write all day yesterday. It was crazy at the office. I probably had the worst day Ive ever had here. How can one simple problem that can be do easily fixed cause such an uproar? Everyone is heated all because of a stupid computer and the only thing I want is the resources to do my job quickly and successfully...thats it. Hope in the business world today will be better.

Ive been trying to buy a car but its hard to find a dealership that will without me having a cosigner. So since everyone I know has horrible credit, its kind of been hard. Hopefully though after pulling out s few tricks I have up my sleeve I'm figure this all out and have a car to call my own.

I having this problem of not knowing how I feel. Its like i cant explain nor come to terms with all these feeling I have. I dont know what to believe, what i want. Im so confused about it all. There comes a point in life where you've worked so hard for everything you've ever wanted but when you finally get what you've waited for you only want more... I feel like I deserve so much more. There is nothing more that I want than what you say but I can wait around. I cant wait knowing for sure if it will be the perfect fairytale. Im just waiting.... Im so scared that he's going to go today and wont come straight back home. Im afraid of how its going to feel without him. Praying for God to grant so many people in my life miracles. Am I asking to much?

Crazy Day.

You know when you wake up in the morning and you have that feeling that lets you know today is going to be a doosie? Well today is that day. Its like I knew last night that it was going to crazy. In an hour Ive downed 3 cups of coffee...if i could i would have 2 cigs for each cup. There are all sorts of people coming in the office this morning. Which leaves me to run around figuring out where they go...crazy to say the least. On top of this chaos I have all these feeling running through me. My thoughts are catching me off guard and causing me to collapse. If God gives me the strength to make it through one more day I owe him more than all I have.

How can one three hour period make you feel so violated, dirty, and used? I can barley hold it together. The thought makes my skin crawl. I have no control over these feelings. There are these moments where Im about to break. I dont know how I feel exactly, Im just emotional wreck today. Praying for some kind of release. With all these people here I feel like Im just plastic. Smiling when inside, my world is crumbling. Im scared and sad, hopeful and hopeless. I feel it all but now I feel mostly violated, dirty, and used. Its a weird feeling to have but I seriously feel like I could bathe 100 times and still not be clean. There is no real reason I feel this way, nothing I havent done many times before and nor should this event create these feelings. Today is different however maybe because I know more now than I knew then. Maybe because these little tidbits of info have been eating at my brain and my heart worse that any infection I could ever possibly have.

Here is me screaming in an empty dark desert, right before the only rain, wind caressing every inch of me....I am the calm before the storm, and this moment right now is the peace before i break. I can feel it rise within me, the inner war. Its here and Im fighting.

Hello Monday

Well this has been your pretty basic weekend.

My leg is finally starting to get a whole lot better. After suffering through 3 shots I'm hoping I wont need another one.

Sometimes I wonder really how much do your friends care? See a certain someone who is quite a large subject in my life shows up at a party ever single one of my friends are at. No one calls to tell me...not even my best friends. It really just hurt my feelins because if someone like that would have showed up and one of my girls werent there I'd call...just because. When I ask some of them about it they just get all pissy at me. I mean really??? It really just hurt my feelings plain and simple. I i do feel that most of my friends arent amazing friends anyway. So again here I am...alone. Always alone. Really in the end I'll only have myself. At least thats the way i feel now.

Im wanting my old life back. I dont like being a grown up.

No Surgery!

Well my infection seems to be getting better. I didn't have to go see the surgeon at all! They gave me another shot, the same one they gave me last night. They give then in my back towards my hip, in a joint. It hurts like total hell. I seem to me having muscle spasms. Hope they will ware off soon. Im still not for sure what kind of infection it is exactly, my test results have came back yet.

So how can something so wrong feel so right and make you happy? I did give in, however it was worth is. Its like a sweet addiction that I have no control over. Ive come to realize that I don't have control for many things but the things I can control I will. I'll control them for me and yes while making the choices I might forget about the future consequences but I refuse to live another moment in life embracing it. Last night was just a series of moments that fill me and the emptiness that surrounds. Those kinds of moments are the ones I live for. Where you can feel you heart beating in the depth of you stomach and it doesnt matter if its gonna bite my ass one day because I truly believe everything happens for a reason. The exquisite moments are the ones Im going to remember and the bad moments are just another lesson learned, making me more wise.


“Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment.”
J. Donald Walters

It happens to me why?

Okay so apparently I might have to have surgery! Blahhh! All the crazy things happen to me. I had this large swelled knot come up on my right leg....To spare you the gross details, when I went to the Urgent Treatment Center they told me that I have some kind of infection thats eating away my skin tissue. I have to go to the surgeon tomorrow to see if he has to cut out the infected tissue so in wont spread. Please someone tell me how crazy this it??? Only me would have some weird skin infection. I'll keep you updated as soon as I know.

Listen to some Bob Marley tonight....just for the hell of it ;)

When it dark turns to light.

Good Morning World!

Yesterday was an amazing day. With a simple text I felt full again rather than empty. My dad actually took the time out of his day and had lunch with me. I got to spend the evening with my most favorite people. I know I shouldn't rely on others for my happiness but people that make me fill this good, its hard not to need it. With me its almost like a craving I have for people. The more people I'm surrounded by the better. I rather be with someone all minutes of the day then to be alone.

Another thought that I have this morning is maybe in the end everything will all work out in my favor. I've but my entire self to try to make this relationship work, to make him see that I'm the one. What if I've fought so long and hard that it will pay of. At the surface of me I breath in crisp air, knowing I've alive and everything is okay but in the depths on me I breath in hot heavy air, knowing I'm about to die. Gasping for the air that is there but is so thick I can't inhale; waiting for that last draw where my hopes, promises, strength terminates. Do I love him? You bet! With all my heart but will love be enough? Is love ever just enough? I also wonder where are the signs I follow? If I said had a way to know what God wants me to do it would all be over.... Or would it? How many times have I hit rock bottom in this relationship? Apparently when I hit all I do is bounce, to hit again, and then jump right back before i hit again. When will I be able to climb rather than bounce my way to the top?

I with all the confusion in my life I want to thank God for this glorious day. Even though its grey, cold, and rainy just knowing that by a push of two hands there is beauty, blue, and sun underneath the ugly is an amazing feeling all its own. Its give the statement "inner beauty is what matters" a true meaning. And besides if we had wonderful weather all the time then it wouldn't excite us as much or makes us as happy as it does when we have to wait for it!

Tip for the day: got deodorant on your cloths? Take a pair of nylon panty hose and rub the deodorant streak. I promise it will look as good as new! :)

My First Blog Entry.

I am so excited about my first blog!!!! Thanks to my brother Kyle who gave me the idea. Bare with me as I get my page the way I want it, its a little bare. I'm still learning.

Where to start....I have so many things going through my mind right now; life, politics, love, and happiness to name a few. How hard it is to go a day without seeing someone you see everyday. Its crazy that without someones presence you day can seem so off track. How alone I feel without some kind of contact. I wonder when I'll ever walk away and finally get used to being without him. Like so many other people in my life I've learned to accept the way it is and with time get used to it but with him i keep fighting, fighting for change. Isn't it funny how most of us seem to use the same line "Fighting for Change". Here in this historic time we've just elected a president who's fighting for change. We all seem to want better for our lives, country, family, and world. I keep hoping for a day where I can wake up one day and my life be exactly how I want it but then i have to remind my self that what would I learn if it was all just handed to me. I have to find strength in myself to get through the day without depending on someone. To find my happiness in something other than the presence of a person.

Listen to Turin Brakes- Dark on Fire My newest favorite song!